Goblin Merchant Men

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B | 35 USERS: A-
Dracula, Modern Matchmaker

We open with a group of men engaging in ye olde practice of Vlad-baiting, which is what people did when Barons For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals declared bear baiting inhumane, I'm guessing. Things to remember from this scene: There's a cherry tree in full bloom, and Jonathan Rhys Meyers appears to have laid off the carbs. Good for him! It probably helped him feel more sympathy for the old school primal/paleo diet a vampire has.

Then it's night and we watch the Order of the Dragon turn Vlad into the vampire we know and love. It involves drinking a potion out of a ram's skull, getting one's throat slit, and hallucinating about one's dead wife shortly before being strung up in a mood-lit dungeon.

A priest comes in and informs Vlad, "This is the price of your defiance. Using the power of a God you denounced, Order Draco has made a monster. Thou art condemned. Condemned to endless night!" Now, I realize this all took place before the inventions of cable TV, pizza places that deliver, the Internet, disco, cocaine, etc., but surely there were people who were night owls back in the dark ages who would have been all, " … Eh." Anyway, here is where we establish that Vlad is really not happy about having to use SPF 2000, and that he is preternaturally strong and coordinated and thus is down on the ground ripping out the smirky priest's throat within seconds.

We zip to the present, where Alex is tickling the ivories and expositing to Renfield that he's a bit rusty since it's been over a century between jam sessions. He continues, "I was thinking about Lady Jayne Weatherby and her decidedly unwholesome avocation." Renfield deadpans, "Really? Which one, sir?" and we get into talking about how it is very likely that Jayne is affiliated with Order Draco on account of her nasty little vampire-hunting habit. Then we move on to happier news: Lord Laurent has just transferred his stock over to Alex, making him the majority stockholder in British Imperial Coolant. Alex celebrates with a rousing chord on the piano.

A heartbroken Harker is on his way to work when he sees Lucy – in her customary Whore Crimson – alight from her own carriage and go into Mina's house. (Mina is, of course, wearing blue and white, a la the Virgin Mary.) Harker continues on his way (he's in his own hack now, on account of how he's moved up in the world) and Lucy whirls inside, saying that her mom's off to Paris and she hates rattling around a mansion by herself, so can Mina please come stay with her and they'll go out every night in a weird Victorian prelude to Sex and the City? Mina mopes toward agreement.

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