Come to Die

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B+ | 19 USERS: B+
Scheming Like an Undead Demon

The episode opens with proof that verily, most of Hollywood's working professionals today were probably exposed to too many rock videos during their formative years, because everything in this scene – the multi-tiered metal candelabras with a few dozen candles burning in each one, the woman with awesome Pantene-volumized hair and a pristine white nightie slipping down to the clavicles, the man wearing skin-tight leather pants, waist-length hair and nothing else, the castle setting – all of it screams, "It is 1988, there are four unattractive men about to hump their guitars in front of a camera, and this is what passes for a 'plot' for the next four minutes."

Alas, we're not about to find out whether power ballads have 25 years' staying power (spoiler alert: NO). Instead, we're flashing to the moment when the Order Draco decided to make Vlad a widower and a vampire. It is one of the most dramatic moments of coitus interruptus to make it to network television.

Then we zip to the present-day Alexander Grayson, because apparently he copes with Lord Davenport's art theft by brooding over all the past wrongs done against him. Renfield is all, "Oh my GOD, quit wallowing already. Also, you're parked outside Mina's house, it's creeping me out, and that means something coming from a man who is okay with working for a vampire. Just … shit or get off the pot with Mina already." Alex huffs that he's sort of in a no-win situation here.

Mina, meanwhile, is futzing around Van Helsing's lab, pretending she's a woman of Science, when her dad ambushes her all, "So. I saw you making the grabby-hands at Grayson during the Cotillion of the Crazy last week. What's the deal here?" Since it is apparently not at all awkward for Mina to dish about her would-be sex life with her dad, she explains that she's known Jonathan since childhood, he's like family and she's okay with marrying him, but "Alexander exerts a kind of magnetic force, and no matter how hard I try, I can't … I sound like a fool." Mina's dad begs to differ and tells her to follow her heart. Man, the lengths he is willing to go to in order to avoid having Harker as a son-in-law!

Then we switch to Lady Jayne, who's rolled out a lovely, beautifully rendered map of London and ruined it by marking all the places where she's killed vampires in the past evening. Browning is taken aback by the fact that she's knocked out four in one evening, and Jayne presses, "We can only draw one inescapable conclusion … the signs are clear. There is another elder vampire in London." Apparently, there is some sort of homing signal? Instinct? Plot contrivance? Something where apparently young vampires are drawn to wherever an elder vampire is. This behavior is pretty much counter to the way every other predator on the planet operates, and we have never really gotten a bead on how the older vampires feel about the younger ones following them, or whether the younger ones are compelled by their creators, or what. I get the feeling that nobody on this show has really thought through the rules of vampirism beyond "No sparkling, no baseball."

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