Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | 8 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Joe Le Taxi

The sun goes away, because they've sealed off the atmosphere, and now they're going to roast the planet inside. The Doctor takes a moment to bitch about cell phones -- people taking pictures of an anomaly in the sky that they don't understand is apparently offensive -- and the whole time Amy just refuses to believe that any of this is happening. He reminds her that she believed about the time machine, once, and she says she grew up, and he spins some gaylord Robin Williams bullshit about how you should never grow up, or whatever bullshit old men are always cramming down your throat about believing in the stars and dreams coming true. I mean, Amy is fucked up, but not because she "grew up" and therefore needs to un-grow up: She needs to believe that dreams can come true only insofar as her own vast ability to make them come true, not her ability to just sit there dreaming and managing to somehow become more innocent. So dumb.

Because it's been a million years and the Doctor has yet to finish a single sentence or do more than dangle the tantalizing beginnings of sentences in front of us, he does that some more but with slapping himself in the head. Then there's some special effect where he mentally remembers everything that was just happening on the village green. It takes a while, not what you would call an instant, and realizes one of the things was Nurse Rory, taking video of the stocky unshaven bloke. This gets it done in his head, not that he's going to tell us shit about it, and when he summons her to action -- "Twenty minutes, the planet burns. Run to your loved ones and say goodbye, or stay and help me!" -- you can't blame her for telling him to go fuck himself. Maybe if you actually said one thing that made sense and wasn't just a bunch of scriptwriter tomfoolery, she'd trust you.

Instead, she yanks the Doctor over to a car -- surprising the old man who just got out of it -- and slams the Doctor's tie in the door, to keep him still. So he'll answer her questions, instead of just being annoying. But then you've got the Doctor pointing at the very real blackout overhead, and the evidence of the space snake that is also a dog-and-man, so really the show just made him act annoying so she would do this, which sort of makes her annoying too. She tells the old man to stop whining at her and go get some coffee, and they discuss once again everything that has happened so far in the episode.

He tosses her the carved-face apple, which is still fresh, and gives her some Tinkerbell clap speech about "Just twenty minutes, just believe me for twenty minutes," which is essentially as repetitive and reaching-for-meaning as "Don't blink" or the entirety of obnoxious "Midnight" or any of the other times this shit has been so fake instead of being real. They stare at each other and he says it sixteen more times, and the TARDIS starts singing, and there's a Magical Momentâ„¢ In which things go slow-motion -- there's even a psychotically intense lens flare -- so you know that something is unlocking in Amy on a personal level and she'll never be the same and her illusions about being a grown-ass woman are unfounded and based on daddy issues, courtesy the Doctor, that have turned her into a stripper, and it's all beautiful and shit.

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Doctor Who

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