Doctor Who
Army Of Ghosts (1)

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B+ | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Et In Arcadia Ego

Now to France, where the President is doing...something having to do with my shitty, horrendous French, and the ghosts wandering around the Eiffel Tower. India, where ghosts are milling around the Taj Mahal. Japan, where the Doctor puts his head in his hand and three proto-ganguro scream and show us their Hello Ghostie t-shirts. The Doctor shakes his head: "It's all over the world!" Back to EastEnders, and this is funny once somebody explains it to you. And by "you," of course, I mean me. Barbara Windsor's character, Peggy Mitchell, stands at the bar of the Queen Victoria (!) having what they call a "go" at a ghost: "Listen to me, Den Watts, I don't care if you have come back from the grave. Get out of my pub! The only spirits I'm serving in this place are gin, whisky, and vodka. So? You heard me! Get out!" Which is good dialogue, I think, but is especially funny because the character she's yelling at died in the '80s, came back after fourteen years and got murdered again by Chrissie Watts...who was played by Torchwood Yvonne! Making him a ghost! Whatever, the Doctor's had enough. He turns off the TV and demands to know when all this started. "Well, first of all, Peggy heard this noise in the cellar, so she goes down..." Rose smirks. I looove Jackie Tyler. "No," says the Doctor, and not unkindly. "I mean worldwide." Two months ago, it "just happened": everybody woke up, there were ghosts all over, "we all ran round screaming and that," the whole planet was panicking, the Doctor (she notes) was nowhere to be found, and they all got used to it quickly enough: "Took us time to realize that...we're lucky." Rose asks why Jackie thinks it's Granddad, and she shrugs: "Just feels like him. There's that smell, those old cigarettes. Can't you smell it?" This is why LINDA made me nervous. If you don't do this part right, you end up crazy. "I wish I could, Mum, but I can't," says Rose, gently as can be. Jackie supplies the information: "You've got to make an effort. You've got to want it, sweetheart." The Doctor's ears perk up: "The more you want it, the stronger it gets?" Yeah. The more you want it. "Like a psychic link. 'Course you want your old dad to be alive, but you're wishing him into existence. The ghosts are using that to pull themselves in." Expressionless, drugged, but verging on a Jackie Tyler wobbler: "You're spoiling it," she says. Quieter than she's ever said anything. Inside wishes are plutonium. The last thing you want is sunlight on a wish. But that's what the Doctor does: wakes you up, whether you're done playing or not. "I'm sorry, Jackie, but there's no smell, there's no cigarettes. Just a memory." Rose wonders what they are, if they're not ghosts; Jackie points to how obviously human the ghosts are. Rose nods, although they're blurry, but the Doctor's not convinced: "Maybe not. They're pressing themselves into the surface of the world. But a footprint doesn't look like a boot." He stands.

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Doctor Who

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