Dead Last
The Problem With Corruption

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Alex Richmond: A | 1 USERS: A+
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Scotty is a bad mother -- shut your mouth!

We open with a neat shot sweeping across the marquee at Wrigley Field, then sweeping the other way tracking the Budny van, telling us The Problem are in Chicago. Yawn eyeballs the rearview mirror nervously. He's being followed by a cop. Scotty urges him to speed up, since cops don't care about actual infractions of laws, just "people that are trying to act normal when they're actually guilty about something." I think he may have something there. Just kidding. Suddenly, a cow moos. An oldy-tyme-y maid and her cow appear in the middle of the road. Yawn swerves and drives across several residential lawns, scattering trash cans like rose petals, before skidding to a halt.

The cop, very Officer Krupke-esque, says he's doing Yawn a favor by not throwing his ass in jail right now. Yawn sees the court date on the ticket and sighs. He's only in town for a few days, is there anyway to take care of this infraction (reckless driving with an expired license) now, sir? The cop says he can go to court tomorrow and file a petition and get supervision. And clean up that mess! Yawn sighs and walks toward Drain (tm someone from the boards) and Scotty, who are standing by the cow and the maid. It's Mrs. O'Leary. Would they apologize to the city for her? "Bessie didn't mean to do any harm." She's talking about the Great Chicago Fire, and oh, look, it's raining anvils. The cow lady poofs, and Scotty suggests that, the next time they see "a cow on a residential street, we floor it!" Moo.

Do you SEE the credits? It is your awesome responsibility to run and get a snack. You can swallow the snack, but not the amulet. Got it?

Scotty's horizontal on his motel bed. Drain schlumps in and says she gets to take Yawn to court. Scotty says he is not taking Yawn to court, and plans to check out some used record shops. Sounds like a plan. Yawn comes out, in a tie and blue shirt and black jacket, and his bandmates laugh and laugh, then point and laugh some more. Scotty says he "never saw [Yawn] in a suit before, that's awesome! Say 'Hi' to The Man for me!" Hee.

In the halls of the courthouse, Drain excuses herself to get something to eat. Yawn is all, aww! Alone. He gets up to check the wait list, then returns to see a guy sitting in his seat. Yawn is all, I was sitting there, and the guy does a subtle take and then gets up. He's a ghost, ding ding ding. The guy pumps Yawn for details about his case. Yawn barks answers until he realizes that the guy is a lawyer (just like Starr Jones) and may be able to help. How long will it take him to file a petition and get supervision? All day. And why would Yawn want that if he's only in town for another day? Because the cop said so. The cop doesn't care! But what else can Yawn do? The lawyer guy says, "This is Cook County, there's more than one way to do anything." Dun dun dunnnnn.

Scotty rolls up to Play It Again Platters, then stops to ask a sharp-dressed superfly man where he got his very cool 1970s, super-wide lapelled chocolate leather trench coat. Superfly is all, "Beat it, Clorox. I don't have time to talk to every cracker-ass ghost because he still feels bad about using the n-word! I don't have time to solve America's race problems!" Scotty takes umbrage, but then is like, yo, I'm not dead. The ghost Shaft is like, "You ain't? Then I'd be getting out of here right about now." But why? Bang -- two masked and armed robbers burst out of a nearby store. Ghost Shaft fires at them with his ghost gun, but they get away. "Always listen to a dead brother," Ghost Shaft spits at the cowering Scotty. Scotty looks up at his new hero and nods and smiles. Scotty and Ghost Shaft, sitting in a tree.

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Dead Last

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