Dancing With The Stars

Episode Report Card
Kim: A | Grade It Now!
Tight Pants and Ballroom

Kim Kardashian was recently in a feature film? Really? You know what? I don't care enough about it to go look it up, despite the fact that it would be like two clicks away. Kim reports that she has terrible balance. What about her horrible foot injury where she sliced her toe open on a coffee table or something? I had to read all about that on all the blogs and she's not even going to use it for sympathy? I hope she gets eliminated the first week. They're doing the foxtrot to the Pink Panther theme. Wow, she's actually not that great. I was expecting more for some reason. And she didn't even wear a tight enough dress to show off that ass. I mean, she's passable, but not great. Let's see what the judges thought. Len thought it was clean, but cold and boring. Agreed. Bruno tells Kim to be more available. Clearly, he hasn't seen the sex tape. Although as Joel McHale would say, she is dead behind the eyes. It could also be because she has zero brain function. Carrie Ann tells her to make eye contact with the audience. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 6. My conclusion? She's an idiot and everything that is wrong with our society. Oh, you were wondering about the dancing? Afterwards, Tom questions Len why he gave poor comments and yet a higher score, and Len says he did say it was cleanly done.

Susan Lucci and Tony are up next. In Tony's intro, he says that he's all about elegance and class. As he dances around in an unbuttoned silky shirt, all greased up. That's class. Susan says that she's scared to be out there as herself instead of her soap character. Susan Lucci is a tiny little wisp of a thing, isn't she? She screws up her footwork a bit early on and Tony is clearly steering her around the floor quite a bit. She dances like someone's mom after a few too many cocktails. It feels a bit awkward to me. What did the judges think? Bruno tells her that she looked like a lady, but the cha cha cha needs a slut. Bruno! He is crazy tonight. He advises her to let herself go tonight. Carrie Ann tells Susan that her body is awesome, but that she needs to gain a bit of weight so she can appear stronger instead of frail. Len thinks it was neat and precise, but too careful, so she needs to perform more. Susan runs up to the judges' stand and pretends to make out with Bruno, since he wanted a slut. Tom is like, "Move it along, crazy lady." Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5.

God, are there still more contestants? This episode is kind of endless. Tom acknowledges Kerri Walsh, who is there to support her volleyball partner. And it's the return of Maks! Wow, for her package, they actually made Misty play volleyball in a ballgown. Maks has to be all My Fair Lady to turn Misty into a lady instead of a jock. I don't know. I'd argue that dancers like Cheryl or Edyta are kind of like jocks. But hey! She's kind of awesome! Really sexy, and makes the dancing faces and everything. And her height works to her advantage too. Carrie Ann loved the intensity and advises her to relax a little bit more. Len disagrees because he thought it was elegant and beautiful. Bruno tells her not to worry about being ladylike, because she's glowing. He advises her to work on her turns. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 8, and Bruno 7. Wow! Awesome. These two might be my favorite. Misty and Kerri kind of bugged me during the Olympics with their, "Oh, we're going to quit and go have babies now!" talk. I mean, yay babies, but it just rubbed me the wrong way, on top of the whole thing where they are practically naked, but the men wear clothes to play, which wasn't their fault, but it bugged me. I've turned the corner on Maks so maybe this partnership could work for me.

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Dancing With The Stars




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