Dancing With The Stars

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Tight Pants and Ballroom

Hey, guys and girls! Welcome back. Can you believe it's been four months since last season? It feels like just yesterday. And did everyone see Tom Bergeron on the Emmys? Despite an overall horrible-osity for the show, Tom was natural and loose, unlike some other people (Howie Mandel). Seriously, can we all just agree that Howie Mandel's career is now over after that atrocity? None of the hosts were good, but at least most of them looked ashamed of how poorly it was going. Boo.

But anyway, now Tom gets to go back to doing what he does best -- hosting reality dancing shows. In the opening, Tom promises us it's the biggest season ever. Biggest? Like in star quality? Because I've got to be honest -- I'm not that thrilled with any of the celebs this season. I mean, I'm sure one or two of them will grow on me, but when the announcement was made, I was kind of like, "Oh. That person? Huh." Tom boasts that the celebs had to learn two dances this week. Well, they tried to -- time will tell if any dancing was actually learned. Oh, the saddest moment of the Emmys was when Tom let rip with a LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE and all the snobby TV people had no idea what he was doing. Sad.

Tom and Samantha (who I forgot existed until moments ago) introduce this seasons stars, and in case you missed the announcement back in August, here are the pairings:

Cody Linley (from Hannah Montana) and Julianne
Rocco DiSpirito (the chef) and Karina
Toni Braxton ("Unbreak My Heart") and Alec
Maurice Greene (Olympic track and field star) and Cheryl
Brooke Burke (host and model?) and Derek
Ted McGinley (shark-jumper) and Inna
Lance Bass (out and proud former boy bander) and Lacey
Cloris Leachman (legendary sitcom star) and Corky
Jeffrey Ross (roast legend and comedian) and Edyta
Kim Kardashian (huge ass and sex tape) and Mark
Susan Lucci (soap opera queen) and Tony
Misty May-Treanor (Olympic beach volleyball player) and Maks
Warren Sapp (football player) and Kym

Jeff Ross is wearing an eye patch. Also, Cloris Leachman has ENORMOUS boobs. Also, Misty May-Treanor cleans up nice! She looks dazzling. And I already don't like this Lacey person, who I hear was on So You Think You Can Dance, a show I don't watch because I get my fill of dancing from this show's eighty-billion episodes per year. Anyway, she looks like trouble. And that Cody character needs to introduce his brows to some tweezers. I'm sure Adam Carolla could give him some pointers, just like he did to the Jonas brother.

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Dancing With The Stars

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