Dancing With The Stars

Episode Report Card
Kim: A | Grade It Now!
Gay, Straight, or Gute?

Tom wonders if the winner will be "the Olympic gold medalist, the one-armed hero, or the gridiron god." One-armed hero? It's not like his arm was amputated, for crying out loud. Anyway, tonight we'll find out the champion, and it will happen LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

After Tom recaps the events of last night, Jason says in a confessional that competing against Kristi is like going the wrong way on the highway. Do you kind of get the vibe that Jason has given up? Which is too bad, because I think he absolutely could have won this thing and still might. He seemed so defeated by having to do the cha cha, though. Backstage, Samantha asks each celebrity what being on the show has meant to them. Kristi says that all the hard work has been worth it. Cristian thinks it was a journey about learning that you can have what you want if you really want it. Jason says that this was really out of his comfort zone, and he's learned about a new side of himself, although he doesn't really intend on continuing the dancing after the show ends. I'd think you'd be so sick of dancing by the end of the season, for a non-pro. Tom points out that, in the history of the show, only once has the person given the highest score by the judges actually won. Does he mean the highest score in the finals? Or the highest total scores all season? Clarify your meaningless statistic, Tom!

Then Usher performs, and I think I already saw this on SNL this week. I have this weird thing about Usher, in that I don't really get him. And I also don't get the whole thing he does where he sings (or lip syncs) and then has a lady come out and dance around him and grind up against him. It's so cheesy. And is the chorus of this song "I wanna make love in this club"? Like he wants to have sex on the dance floor? Is it really making love if you're doing it in a club? Isn't that just fucking? Maybe I'm overthinking this.

Now former contestants predict who will win. Drew Lachey doesn't know who will win. Joey Lawrence, Jerry Springer, and Joey Fatone all think Jason Taylor's got it going on. Vivica Fox (whose boobs start moving around independent of her body like Hulk Hogan used to do back in the '80s and it's freaky), Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna, Jane Seymour, and Leeza Gibbons are all rooting for Kristi. Wayne Newton, Trista Rehn, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin (Hey! They already talked about Kristi!) are all rooting for Cristian. And then a bunch of people (including Mark Cuban) all say that they don't know what will happen! Me neither! So that was kind of a waste of time. Good thing this finale is two hours!

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Dancing With The Stars




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