Dancing With The Stars
Season 13 Performance 5

Episode Report Card
Kim: B+ | Grade It Now!
It's '80s Night

It's '80s week! And probably a few of these contestants were not even alive or barely alive in the '80s, and that makes me feel very old. I remember when one of my college-aged students was listening to some Bon Jovi song and I was like, "You like Bon Jovi? They were very important to my teen years!" And she said, "This song came out before I was born! My dad turned me on to it." So depressing.

Speaking of depressing, the show opens with some music from the Bangles, my first concert with no parents. Their opening act was the Hoodoo Gurus, for the twelve of you who might remember them. Anyway, Susanna Hoffs looks pretty good but if she's going to fuck with her face, she might want to lay off the forehead Botox and invest in a chemical peel, because her forehead isn't moving but her skin looks sun-damaged. And I am not judging, because my face has sun damage too. She's also crazy tan and I remember her as being pretty fair back in the day. Of course, we all used too much white powder back then, didn't we? Anyway, the Bangles sing "Eternal Flame" which gets me, because that's the song I used to sing to one of my twins while I rocked him to sleep. It's right in my range and I know all the words, and sometimes at 3 AM, that's all you need, because you just can't take one more round of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Have you ever heard the two Matthew Sweet/Susanna Hoffs collaboration albums? They're all covers and they're pretty awesome. You should download that. I love their version of "You're So Vain." Anyway, the Bangles go into a medley with "Walk Like an Egyptian." Remember in the video for this song when Susanna Hoffs did the part where she goes, "Walk like an Egyptian [long pause, giant eyes looking side to side], walk like an Egyptian"? I loved that part. Oh, I should probably mention that the troupe is dancing, but seriously, no one cares.

After the couples are introduced, Tom explains that this week, the judges are going to tell us what each couple needs to do to go the distance. Like the judges know. Weren't they shocked by the last two eliminations? I guess this is the part where we all pretend that good dancing is what keeps couples on the show. So Carrie Ann is going to talk about Hope and Maks. Carrie Ann points out that Hope is athletic and competitive, but she needs to be more connected to the music and the movement. Some people have been upset that the judges don't think Hope is feminine enough; I don't think they're saying anything about her as a person. I think they're saying that her dance movements, in the traditional ballroom sense, are not feminine enough. Which is why Maks should bring in a woman to train her, but no one asked me.

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Dancing With The Stars




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