Dancing With The Stars

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You Can't Always Get What You Want

Donny Osmond is doing man-on-the-street interviews in Las Vegas. One woman claims that she likes Audrina because she has "personality." She does? It's mildly amusing, as these segments generally are, but nothing I really feel needs reporting.

Some more recapping of last night: Audrina and Tony got good scores for a dance that I thought was tacky. Lacey wore some really ugly pants. Kurt felt like he and Anna are where they want to be in terms of progress.

More results! Since this is the results show, that seems appropriate. Jennifer and Derek are safe. Rick and Cheryl are in jeopardy. But they misunderstand and think that they're safe and they start celebrating and Brooke just starts going, "In jeopardy. In jeopardy." Oh, it's so awkward! I have a stomach ache. I seriously can't look. I'm blushing. Finally, Tom takes over and tells them that they're not safe, and they seem to get it. And then Maks and Brandy are safe. Oof. That was bad times.

It's time for the Dancing/Strings Duel! First, they have to tell us that Mark and Val play instruments. In case you didn't get that from the name of the segment. And Val and Mark have known each other for a long time, and competed against one another. Val has weird brother syndrome. Like when you see the brother of someone famous, and their face looks similar but off somehow from the famous person? So it's just disturbing to look at him? Ooh, the duel is starting. Shhh. Mark starts playing the guitar VERY HARD! He is super-intense with the guitar, and I've got the church giggles. And then Val is playing the violin with EQUAL INTENSITY. And they're playing "Toxic" by Britney Spears. Then some ladies come out (Lacey and someone else) and the dancing part starts. Mark's partner (not-Lacey) is very flexible. And then when the dancing parts is over, Val is standing on a pedestal playing. And then Mark is playing AN ELECTRIC GUITAR! I'm sorry for all the caps, but I'm trying to get across how intense this whole thing is. There's lots of smoke, too. When the song ends, they pan across the audience, I wish I could include a screen cap of the faces of the people in the audience. They are all a mix of disgust, confusion and fear. Which is the same face I am making at home. What the fuck was that and how did Mark convince the producers to let him do it?

Ugh. Michael Bolton is singing "Hallelujah" -- the Leonard Cohen song. A song that requires nuance, which Michael Bolton does not have. Jonathan and Anna are dancing to it, and I always like their dances but there is SO MUCH SMOKE on the floor. It's seriously up to their shoulders. And then a children's choir comes out and I throw up. Could someone -- anyone -- involved with this show just develop the ability to say no? "And then we'll have Michael Bolton sing!" No. "No, wait. But he's going to sing 'Hallelujah'!" No. "But wait, we'll have a ton of smoke on the floor!" No. "This will get you -- we've got a children's choir to join him! And they're dressed all in white like angels! And they're all multicultural!" HELL FUCKING NO! Jesus. What is wrong with people? Oh my God, it just got worse. They showed Jonathan and Anna dancing and then Michael Bolton's stupid head was superimposed in the corner like he's an angel, too! That was a fucking travesty. If that song wasn't already dead, they just dug it back up, killed it again, and then cremated it, and then reconstituted the remains, and then ate it and shit it out. While Tom interviews Michael at the end, they keep cutting to Bruno, who is like, "Big smile! Big smile!" No tension there.

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Dancing With The Stars

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