Dancing With The Stars

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Shock and Awe

It's the first results show of the season, which is always the most exciting because you really have no idea what the voters think. After a while, you get a sense for who is a crowd favorite and who's on the way out. But this first week, anything could happen!

And they're not messing around, as Tom and Brooke immediately appear to tell us one couple that is safe and one couple that is in the bottom two. They're not even trying to pretend like it's randomly selected couple that may or may not be in the bottom score-wise, which I appreciate. So the safe couple is... Buzz and Ashly. America loves a hero, I guess. Even one that really can't dance... on a dancing competition show. And the first couple in the bottom two is Pamela and Damien. Pam doesn't even get what just happened and she has to ask Damien what just happened. The crowd is as shocked as Pam.

Brooke throws to a clip package where Len tells us how awesome last night's dances were. This leads into a recap of each routine with included confessionals. The highlights are Jake saying that he danced the best that he can (and Chelsie agrees). So is he peaking in the first week? Kate claims that she's not upset with herself because she wanted to show that she was having fun. That was her having fun? Do you think she even knows what fun is? Has she ever had fun in her life? Buzz realizes that his scores are horrible and he'll need audience votes to stay, and I guess it worked since we already know he's safe. And for the encore dance, we're going to see Derek and Nicole. On watching it again, I still think it was overscored last night, but Nicole does know how to sell the hell out of the routine. She's sticking her butt out too much, though. But compare her to Kate or really any of the dudes other than Evan and it's like she's a pro already. Reminds me of Kristi Yamaguchi.

The pros are here to do a routine choreographed by Michael Jackson's choreographers. It starts with Maks opening his shirt so the ladies will like that one. And probably some of the dudes. Anyway, it's okay but I'm not a fan of the more modern routines, although I'm sure the pros appreciate the chance to do something different.

My good buddy Ace Carolla is back with his segment "Between the Mirrorballs." He manages to rip on Buzz's astronaut t-shirts, Edyta's frequent partner injuries, and Bruno's sexuality (in a loving way, of course). I enjoyed that segment. Of course, I did.

More results! Who else is safe? Aiden and Edyta! Aiden looks shocked. SHOCKED! I'm kind of shocked too. Who else is safe? Niecy and Louis! YAAAAAAAY! I was starting to get worried. I love my Niecy. You know who doesn't look upset about the possibility of getting eliminated? Tony. You know who else? Chelsie. I get the vibe that Chelsie isn't crazy about Jake. Brooke interviews Pam and Damien backstage, and it makes no sense. I don't think Brooke is even listening to their answers -- she's just reading the cue cards and sticking her mic out and waiting for them to stop talking. Buzz admits that the judges probably scored him correctly, but he thinks the people at home appreciated his patriotism. Because, you know, this contest is sponsored by the American Legion, like the essay contest I won in the seventh grade. Oh, wait. It's totally not.

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Dancing With The Stars

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