Dancing With The Stars
First Cut is the Deepest

Episode Report Card
Kim: B | Grade It Now!
Metta World Peace

In the post-announcement interviews, Val promises that he won't let Elisabetta go, according to Len's instructions. He says he'll be like Jack in Titanic. Afterwards, Tom jokes that he doesn't think Val watched Titanic all the way to the end. Ugh, that movie made me so mad. Couldn't Rose have scooched over a little? Then there's a clip package about when the contestants all met one another for the pre-show photo shoot. They all love one another! They're all awesome! Actually, Nancy Grace seems surprisingly human in this package.

Harry Connick Jr. is here to sing while Tony and Kym dance. A foxtrot? Man, these directors need to work on their lighting setup. They keep trying to show some of the band members during their solos and it's all orange and blown out. Harry looks terrible, also. I feel like he's losing his voice or something. What used to seem so effortless now seems strained. Isn't that true of all of us these days, though? I mean those of us who remember Harry Connick releasing 19 when he was just 19? God, I had such a crush on him in, like, 1989.

It's time for more results! I totally called it on Hope and Maks; she didn't spot and she got dizzy at the end. Before going on, Mark Ballas does push-ups. Even though he's wearing a full jacket. I think Kristin was ripping on him. I hope she was. And Ron/Metta thought his low scores were a little harsh. So now to the results: Hope and Maks, and Kristin and Mark are all safe. Metta/Ron and Peta are in jeopardy.

Ugh, they want me to learn about the troupe. Three of them are the same and the only one I remember is the tiny blonde Russian lady. This one Aussie dude refuses to button his shirt, so I don't like him much. I mean, all of the dudes on this show are cut. Get over yourself. Anyway, they all talk about how awesome they all are. Whatever. I still won't learn your names. Then they dance together. What does kind of interest me is that if feels like these are understudies for the actual pros. Like there's a mini-Anna, and a mini-Lacey. They're fine, I guess. It all just reeks of desperation.

LMFAO are on hand to perform "Party Rock Anthem." I am too old for these guys. Are they like Black Eyed Peas? There are a lot of them. They seem to be dressed ironically. One of them has a box on his head. Maks and Val come out to dance with Cheryl and Peta. I figured out how to tell Peta from Lacey, and this is really mean. Peta's thighs are much smaller. Oh, wait, I do know this song. Mark and Lacey are dancing together now. Why does Mark have to grab his crotch all the time? It's so gross. No one wants to see that. You guys, I think Bruno is dancing on the judges' table with Carrie Ann, and he has taken his shirt off. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? Every time they flash over to the judges, it gets worse. I'm sure the pros (and the band) are psyched about Bruno pulling focus like that. Tom calls him "Bruno WTF Tonioli" and I'm right there with him. What was that? This show, I swear. It turns me into an old lady.

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Dancing With The Stars




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