CSI
Viva Las Vegas

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Sobell: B | Grade It Now!
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You can dance if you want to, and you can leave your friends behind. Because your friends are not going to be visible to the unaided human eye in the kind of club where all we see are quick cuts of pretty people writhing around under a strobe light. So they'll be understanding if you get separated from them in the crowd. You can dance, you can dance, everybody look at those hands...

Or, if you're the heavy-lidded guy sitting on the bed, look at the hands attached to the (presumably) half-naked body of the (presumably) female person sauntering toward you. I can't say with any certainty what's walking toward whom because the shot is so blurry, you'd think CBS is paying their $550,000 FCC fine by selling off their shows' camera equipment. Or perhaps making sure there's not another fine in offing. Anyway, it's safe to refocus the camera now that we're only looking at the woman from the clavicles up, and the two of them hit the sheets. There's a red light in the room, which is probably as subtle an allusion to the nature of this sexual transaction as you'll ever get...

And you can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your hands. We're back at the club, establishing that before patrons can go inside and join the safety dance, they've got to go through security. How else will you know it's the safety dance? A patron passes through. The bouncer manning the metal detector insists that the patron leave his switchblade behind. A mopey guy heads on through security, wondering why nobody told him it wasn't Dress Like Johnny Cash night after all...

Miles away, two kids get off their motorcycle and decide to deface government property by shooting at a sign. Their bad-assed vandalism is interrupted when one of them stumbles, and then looks down to see a hand sticking out of the ground...

Back in civilization, the music's shifted so that we can understand that our sixty seconds of establishing shots are up and we're on to the pivotal moment when it's all going to go pear-shaped for whomever's on-screen. This is bad news for the man currently sitting on a bed and sobbing as a bath runs in the next room. This is even worse news for me, since I have no idea why he's crying. Is this part of some rock video about how everybody hurts sometime? Is he crying because when he asked Calgon to take him away, it took him to a dingy hotel room? We may never know, but the sobbing picks up in intensity...

We can dance if we want to, we've got all your life behind. The Man in Black burns a Polaroid on the dance floor. Isn't that against fire codes? Two men greet each other in anticipation of some big rap action, and as the music flips into a rap monologue, the guy continues staring at his burning Polaroid. Did the writers spend a weekend watching VH1 Classic and twigging on iconic video images before sitting down to this script, or what? Then we see the barrel of a gun, and the Man In Black is now the Man Who's On the Floor All Shot Up. Yeah, it's not as snappy, but it's still descriptive. The killer then blows their chance for a clean getaway by senselessly taking out a mirror ball. C.S.I.: Glaziers is gonna be all over this one. Coming next fall to HGTV!

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CSI

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