To Halve And To Hold

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B- | Grade It Now!
Of love and human remains

Hey, everybody! It's the missing recap for CSI! And guess what? The show still takes place in Las Vegas.

We start the show with a daytime shot of the Strip, panning out over the eye-numbing acres of ticky-tacky suburbia surrounding said Strip, and then into the mountains. We see a human bone fly up into the air and come back down again. It does not turn into a monolith, nor does a tribe of apes cluster 'round to begin evolving to the strains of "Thus Spake Zarathustra." Instead, a golden retriever catches the bone in its mouth and returns it to the stock moppet who is, in the fine tradition of someone we will never see after the opening credits, about to stumble across something grisly. The boy hands over the bone to his dad; Dad takes command of the situation by asking the dog, "What do you have here?" Because the dog is going to answer -- this isn't Lassie, you idiot. Stock Moppet asks Dad what he's holding. Dad replies, "Nothing, son. It's just an old...bone. Probably from some dead animal or something." He then looks around the rocky desert plain, as if expecting the rest of the body to magically appear. Some woman caterwauls mysteriously in the background, and a hawk cries; it's all very mystical.

Cut to the same desert, at night. Gil is waving a flashlight up and down the length of bone, noting, "It's a tibia...or most of a tibia." Catherine and Gil try to peg how long the leg has been in the desert, and conclude that time is irrelevant; what matters is that it's been long enough for the animals to pick it clean and the elements to wash away any evidence. Gil mildly inquires of Catherine as to why she's assuming they need evidence; she points out that tibias typically don't go on unaccompanied vision quests to the desert. Gil comments, "It's interesting how you usually assume the worst." "See, that way I'm never disappointed. And sometimes I'm nicely surprised," Catherine ripostes. Well, that explains a lot about her dating life. They dicker over whether or not this desert is a crime scene, and then Gil says, "Do you know there's 206 bones in the human body?" Catherine, who's feeling awfully feisty tonight, snaps, "Yes, Professor. I, too, took osteology." Gil, demonstrating his eternal optimism, does a little math and concludes, "Well, 205 more bones and we have a complete skeleton. If we find the rest, then we can determine whether or not it was a murder." Catherine replies, "Well, I feel it in every 206 of my bones that this was a murder."

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