Crow's Feet

Episode Report Card
Sobell: C- | Grade It Now!
It is necessary to suffer to be beautiful.

Cut to Catherine and Nicky finding out that the internet is full of some truly weird stuff. A website promoting "Urine Therapy: Nature's Elixir for Good Health" uses the Bible to bolster the practice with the following quote: "JESUS'S FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. 'If you believe in me, you will never thirst. Rivers of living water shall flow from your bellies. -- John 7:38.'" What is that from, the Sermon on the MAC Counter? I mean, I'm no theologian, but I don't recall the Son of God being particularly concerned with the appearance of fine lines. Nevertheless, Catherine points out, "some fringe health professionals have used the Biblical passage as a justification for urine therapy." Clearly, these people are counting on their customers not being familiar with Luke 4:10-11, where Satan quotes Scripture as a justification for temptation. Anyway, Catherine then runs a remarkably focused search on Amazon.com for urine therapy books, as she found a scant 15 (I found 76, searching with the phrase "urine therapy" in quotes). Nicky cuts off her "Can you believe the wacky crap I found on the internet?" monologue by snapping, "It's a perversion of medicine, not to mention the Bible. I don't get it. These women -- the time, the pain, the effort. And for what? Smoother skin? Please." Catherine tries to equate drinking your own pee with spending time at the gym, an analogy that's not exactly forceful in its illustration of a premise (men are equally as addle-pated about vanity as women) but does provide her with an excuse to grope his big, bulging bicep. As Catherine's all, "Ooh! Rock hard!" Emergency Backup David comes on over and lingers awkwardly in the doorway during this tedious exercise to prove that Catherine's STILL ATTRACTIVE, just in case we don't quite understand that she's unjustifiably insecure about her looks, just like the victims.

Anyway, poor Emergency Backup David is all mumbly and stammery and awkward and so freakin' adorable, I want to take him home and bake him cookies. Nicky attempts to set him at ease with, "It's all right, Super-Dave. Nice purse." This doesn't do much for the poor guy, as it turns out he has hang-ups about his ability to accessorize too. Actually, he's toting it to the evidence lab, as it was the departed Ms. Loakes's bag. Then Emergency Backup David flees, because his social instincts may be shaky, but his survival instincts are dead on.

Nicky and Catherine dump out the contents of the bag and paw through them. Catherine picks up a small pump bottle filled with "Dorian Spray." Oh, no. Somewhere, on a writer's computer in an attic, there's a copy of this script that's getting better. Catherine reads the directions for this ("Spray under tongue twice-daily") and then bids Nicky to check out the second ingredient. "Snake oil?" he reads. Oh, no, he doesn't; he says, "Arsenicum. Holistic for arsenic. In an oral spray?" Catherine rolls her eyes at this. The spray leads back to Dr. Malaga, of course.

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