Charmed
Styx Feet Under

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | Grade It Now!
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If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?

To The Only Hospital In San Francisco, of course. A middle-aged woman weeps over the fresh corpse of an elderly gentleman portrayed by an actor whose name -- I kid you not -- is Beans Morocco. The Piper Of Death watches sadly from a corner of the room until she can't take it anymore and turns her head. She jumps in surprise to find Beans standing beside her, kitted out in a white robe. "You scared me!" she bleats. "I scared you?" Beans incredulously replies. "Who are you, and what's happening?" "I think you might actually be dead," Piper ineptly informs him before tacking on an equally ill-chosen "I know. Bummer, huh?" This is it, gang. The Destruction Of Piper As We Know Her. You knew it was going to happen sooner or later. She's the only character they haven't completely fucked up, and now the crack monkeys have decided it's her turn. Enjoy! In any event, Piper and Beans look on as the middle-aged woman wails for a moment before the screen flares and they suddenly find themselves on The Ghastly Plane. Yes, a bit of continuity there, but unfortunately, they neglected to swipe the ChinoCam again for this sequence, so the blue wash is neither as grainy nor as muddied as we remember it from that last episode. The hospital room's doors swing open of their own accord, and Piper and Beans step into the corridor where, presently, a spinning, star-like white portal appears. Piper deduces that she's meant to lead Beans into the light, and so gently takes his hand and urges him forward. "If it makes you feel any better," she admits as they approach the portal, "I'm a little scared, too." They vanish, and the shot lingers on the spinning special effect for a moment before cutting over to...

...Rotten Scott Farkus screaming, "You lied to me!" as he conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death that he drives towards Charisma Carpenter's tits. She squiggles out, allowing the FBOD to pass harmlessly by before rematerializing and stating directly into the camera, "Hello? I'm a seer. I saw that coming." Thanks for breaking the fourth wall, hon. Now get back into the scene, you bint. Long story short, Charisma's been assisting Rotten Scott in his quest to become fully demonic, but she neglected to notice one final "little" member of Rotten Scott's bloodline. She sweeps a hand across the surface of her massive fortunetelling birdbath, and the silvery liquid within ripples. We're not told what it reveals, but Rotten Scott giggles at the sight, all, "Excellent!"

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Charmed

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