Engaged And Confused

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 1 USERS: C
Engaged And Confused

"I don't understand," Piper gripes once the three have orbed back to the Manor's main hall. "What could be a bigger threat than The Triad?" "Is everything okay?" Chrissssty wonders as she and The Retard arrive on the lower stairwell landing from above. "We got The Triad," Phoebe confirms, "but we think there's a bigger threat out there." "Did They say that?" Chrissssty wonders, with a craftily manufactured expression of ingenuousness on her face. Piper sighs that They didn't need to say anything, because if The Zombie Triad were the end of the line, she'd have her Doltsicle back. Raige makes comforting noises, so Piper rewards her by reminding her that they have a party to throw the following evening. "I've been thinking about that, actually," Raige grins, "and I'll do it on one condition -- if we can just turn it into a wedding instead."

Piper's about to make some sort of quippy remark when the lights suddenly dim, the soundtrack audibly slows, and the Manor Morons plus The Retard fall into a freeze. Chrissssty tensely darts her eyes around until the remaining Triad materializes in the center of the main hall. "What are we supposed to do now?" she demands as she leaves her sister's side to approach him. "We stay the course," he replies, calmly enough for one whose Nefarious Demonic Plot For World Domination just crumbled so spectacularly around him. "It was always about you," Candor reminds Chrissssty. "We've taught you all we know, shown you the way. Now you must go forward alone to fulfill your destiny to unite with The Ultimate Power." With that, they both turn their heads to stare at the frozen Retard, because yes, The Retarded Bimbo is actually The Ultimate Power, and yes, the very idea that The Retarded Bimbo would turn out to be this show's Ultimate Power is a sucker punch of an insult to everyone who's faithfully watched it for the last seven-and-a-half years, and yes, I should be ranting and raving about it in all caps right now, but you know what? CANCELLED! THIS SHIT IS CANCELLED! AND BRAD KERN WILL NEVER WORK IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN BECAUSE DAWN OSTROFF IS NOW MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE AND THROUGH HER I HAVE MANY, MANY CONNECTIONS IN THE INDUSTRY AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT BRAD KERN ENDS UP LIVING IN A CARDBOARD BOX IN MACARTHUR PARK BECAUSE I HATE HIS TALENT-FREE ASS SO MUCH! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! CANCELLED!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. "The end result is all that matters," Candor insists. "You must save your sister." Chrissssty nods solemnly enough at that, and turns to rejoin Maggot Neck on the stairs as soon as Candor once more melts down through the carpet, bound for points unknown. As soon as Chrissssty's safely in place, the lights rise, and Piper and Phoebe unfreeze to grin at Raige. "Absolutely," Piper replies, obliviously picking it all up right where she left off, "though it is sort of short notice. I might need some magical assistance." "Let's do it!" Phoebe enthuses. After a round of smiles, the gals head off into the kitchen, followed quickly enough by The Retard. Chrissssty, however, lingers long enough on the stairs for The Retard to wonder what gives. Chrissssty's all, "Nothing! Everything's fine!" as she snaps out of her demonically induced funk to follow The Retard towards the back of the house. At the last instant, though, everything switches into slow-motion as Chrissssty swings her head around to glance back over her shoulder into the apparently empty front hall. DUN! AGAIN!

The Closing Travelogue spins us around the nighttime city before taking in the dawn and depositing us back at the Manor at some point the following afternoon. Up in the Bridal Boudoir -- and you can tell it's Piper's room because of the fireplace in the mirror's reflection -- Raige sits at the vanity with hair in curlers, applying her makeup. Phoebe and Piper approach, already clad in their bridesmaids' dresses, and I have to admit: despite the fabric's off-putting resemblance to certain flocked wallpapers I recall from various suburban ranch houses circa 1974, the gowns are easily the most flattering bridesmaids' dresses I've ever seen on this show. Go figure. Piper asks if Raige is certain she wouldn't like to borrow Piper's own bridal attire for the occasion. "Yeah," Raige replies, "yeah, I am." "All right!" Piper smirks. "Let's go conjure you a very special dress!" So much for those pesky prohibitions on personal gain, huh? CANCELLED!

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