Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The Replacement

Episode Report Card
Jessica: D | 4 USERS: B
The Replacement

First and foremost, giant props to Ace and Sep, who do this so damn well week in and week out.

Previously: Dawn whined. Buffy whined. Dawn rolled her eyes. Dawn got kidnapped by one of Harmony's retardo minions. Anya got cold-cocked, and suffered what Riley "I'm not a doctor, and I don't even play one on TV" Finn called a serious head wound.

Riley, Buffy, Anya, and Xander lounge around Xander's lush basement abode. The Slayer is studying, while The Loser, The Demon, and The Dork watch a poorly dubbed Kung Fu movie. Anya has her arm in a sling. Xander, trying to be the good host, expresses sorrow that he can't offer them any crunchy munchies. "We think the cat peed on the hot plate," Anya deadpans. Did the cat also pee on all your bras, Anya? Then why aren't you wearing one? Upstairs, a door slams and Xander narrates that his folks must be home. Something smashes to the ground above them, and Mr. and Mrs. Harris start yelling drunkenly at one another. Uncomfortable, Xander shifts on the sofa and cracks that, in fact, it's merely "incompetent burglars." The fighting gets louder, and everyone, save Buffy, looks uneasy. Anya, in a rare show of human emotion, rubs Xander's leg. He opines that perhaps the time has come for him to find his own pad. Something a littler nicer. Something with less urine. "Buffy, you've been to hell. They have one bedrooms, right?" Buffy ignores him and turns the page. Riley pats her on the shoulder and tries to bring her nose out of the book and into the movie. Buffy agrees that she's learned enough about The Crusades for one day, and that it's high time to "take a break from the violence for...oh, fighting!" The foursome watch the Kung Fu Fighting for a moment, before Riley starts massaging Buffy's shoulders and she starts moaning orgasmically, and Xander looks uncomfortable, and I feel sick. Cracking his knuckles, Xander tries to do the same for Anya, but is rebuffed when she reminds him that, first, she has a dislocated shoulder, and second, she's trying to concentrate "on the kicking movie!" Chastened, Xander sits back, as Buffy begins to critique the Kung Fu moves; apparently, they're all wrong, from the perspective of a professional ass-kicker. More crashing and screaming from upstairs. Riley coughs, embarrassed, as Buffy blathers on about the fact that he would be critical if some army movie had "people saluting backwards" and points out that Willow is equally critical of witch movies. Xander agrees that Willow "would be all like, 'What's that? A caldron? Who uses a caldron anymore?'"

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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