Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Ace: C- | 3 USERS: A-
Thoroughly Modern Millie

Ally McBuffy and her preachy little ass have hauled the Junior Misses out to a crypt. Ooh, a demon bar and a crypt. Some outing. I think Buffy could bring in a little extra cash by marketing these outings to local Goth teens. She could put up flyers around the high school and junior high: "A Spooky Sunnydale Walking Tour with Buffy Summers -- deluxe package includes appearance by actual vampyr." Blah blippity blah. Oh, I should be recapping? Sorry, I got distracted while IM-ing the bats. They're a charming lot, although I do get tired of hearing them go on about how much they hate the owls. Something about unregistered flight patterns and hogging airspace. Back on the show, Buffy asks where they are, and one of the Misses responds that they must be in a vampire nest. A few interior decorating comments from Spike later, Buffy makes her point (I think) which is that "vampires can live anywhere, any way they want." Except in greenhouses, or in the park, or really anywhere there might be sunlight. Raise your hand if you think the seventh season of a show about vampires is a really cruddy time to treat the viewers to an extended recap of Vampire Lore 101. Yeah, I agree. We've all been here a million times, and hearing it told to this troop of fang-fodder doesn't really bring anything new to the table. Buffy adds that the "animal inside [a vampire is] always the same." What about when the animal is inside the Slayer? How "the same" is he then, Buffy? Oh, excuse me. My bitterness cup overfloweth. Not only does the fact that Buffy has been pronged by Spike undermine her authority with the Junior Misses, but his presence at these training sessions is obviously confusing because the Junior Misses really just want to chat with Spike about where he used to live. He claims to have lived a crypt, but a "bit more posh." Hey, Spike -- you left out all the basements you lived in this season. They weren't very posh. Then Buffy chimes in that Spike's crypt was "comfy." Good job, Buff, because that doesn't further confuse your message. Buffy sends the Misses off to look for signs of vampire inhabitation, and Spike sulks because the training session didn't become a five-woman encounter group about how he and the Slayer rode the stone sarcophagus together. Shut up, Spike. Couldn't you go be tortured in stoic silence again? These are the choices you might face in Hell: do I prefer shirtless-but-silent Spike, or clad-but-flapping-his-trap Spike? The Misses find a corpse on the ground (because you can't put anything past them, no sirree). Buffy checks the body and refers to it as "leftovers." Leftovers that had a snack or two itself, I guess, because just then the body raises its head and growls.

Millie and Dawn run and run and run. Snore. "In here," shrieks Dawn opening a classroom, and the bats IM me, "Can't you do something about that!!!!????" Yes, they're a little heavy on the punctuation, but you try to type with tiny winged claws. I think they do a good job, all things considered. I fire back a note to let them know I'm doing everything within my scathing and snarking power to make sure that Michelle Trachtenberg doesn't appear on television beyond this year. Dawn and Millie flail about trying to barricade the door of the science lab they're in, and manage to pull a large cabinet in front of it. I rewind the tape to see if the door opens in or out, because if it had opened out, I was going to have a field day. I guess someone at Mutant Enemy was awake the day this scene was shot, though, because the door does open inwards. Millie asks if they're safe right before Vest Vamp slams into the door.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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