Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Ace: C- | 3 USERS: A-
Thoroughly Modern Millie

Millie helps a squealing Dawn in through a window at the school. Not for all the kittens in Korea am I watching a Dawn spin-off, Mutant Enemy, so you can just stop now. Stop it! Dawn, knowing that she's only a potential Slayer without all the skills, took an unarmed civilian along with her to kill a vampire. What the fuck does she think she's up to? Millie wants to know if she's going to turn into a vampire from the scratch on her forehead. Dawn assures her that she's not. Millie then suggests that perhaps the vampire could be turned loose on the marching band for an amusing giggle, but Dawn gives her a nasty look. Oh, and that's not at all hypocritical coming from Little Miss Let's Throw Hot Water On Prisoners. Don't get all sanctimonious because you think you're a potential Slayer, Dawn. We all know you're still a little freak at heart. And in the time between writing that sentence and this one, I have done three loads of laundry, cleaned the cat box, and picked sludgy leaves out of the rain gutters. Because I am just that eager to find any excuse to not sit through the rest of this episode again. It's just not the same around here since the Action Monkeys left. I find any scenes where Dawn does more than fall off a chair in the background to be extremely painful to endure, especially when the scenes don't end in Dawn being slapped into next week by a team of monkeys in dresses. Um, anyway. Dawn and Millie approach the room where Millie trapped the vampire. Dawn dishes out more vampire lore, telling Millie that the vampire could have busted down the door if he'd wanted to. She says that knowing about these things runs in the family. Shut up, Dawn! Dawn turns the knob and finds that the classroom door is no longer locked. Oh, how polite. The vampire took the time to pick the lock or something rather than just smashing the door down. Dawn and Millie step into the classroom, and Ash startles the hell out of me by yelling, "It's on the ceiling!" The camera pans up, and Ash is right -- the vampire is lurking on the ceiling above our two little unaware ninnies. I turn to Ash curiously, and he smugs, "Oldest trick in the book." Indeed.

Back from commercial, the vampire (in biker garb with leather vest) jumps down from the ceiling and scares the ninnies. They run, run, run and find the doors out of the building locked. Actually, they probably already knew that, since they had to come in through a window. Dawn grabs a fire extinguisher and screeches something very high-pitched that I couldn't make out but that really disturbs all the dogs in my neighborhood. As the dogs howl, all the bats who live in my vicinity send me a kind email thanking me for recapping during the day because, as they put it, "That Dawn kid really fucks up our sonar." Anyway, Dawn can't get the fire extinguisher to spray, so she bops Vest Vamp with the canister a few times and then she and Millie run, run, run.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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