Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Ace: C- | 3 USERS: A-
Thoroughly Modern Millie

Commercials. Dawn slumps to the floor. She gets up. Nervous. Wondering if the spell was done wrong. Everyone is in shock. Anya sums it up: "It's like one second you were this klutzy teenager with fake memories and a history of kleptomania and suddenly you're a hero. A hero with a much abbreviated lifespan." Willow, trying make sense of this odd coincidence, says, "A Slayer. Makes sense, I guess. Remember that thing about they share the same blood or whatever?" Anya mumbles, "Yeah, I never got that." You, me, or anyone with half a brain. Dawn quickly realizes that in order for her to be called, Buffy would have to die. Again. For real this time. Or something. Y'know, somehow the whole concept is robbed of its dramatic tension, probably because we've been told by Joss for two seasons that it's not freaking true. ["And that, historically, Buffy just doesn't stay dead." -- Sars] Anya explains that the Slayer selection process is very similar to the papal system, "except you don't have to be some old Catholic." Which is a bonus. But when was the last time you saw the Slayer tooling around in a bubble car? And who among us can resist the bubble car? Willow wants to call Buffy and tell her the news, but Xander reminds her that she doesn't have her cell on her. Go on, Willow. Why don't you just use your incredibly situational telepathy? Or is that not an ability you happen to have this episode? It's so hard to keep track. Dawn sulks that Buffy didn't need a phone since all the important people are with her. Xander CRACKS ME UP by saying, "YOU are important now." But not before. You little creep.

Andrew wanders in, wondering when the microwave is going to be replaced because he's got a hankering for a hunk of cheese. Or popcorn. I'm physically incapable of typing "hankering" without it immediately preceding "hunk of cheese." Off of everyone's looks, Andrew wonders what's going on. After hearing the explanation, Andrew starts to make Luke Skywalker noises, but Xander threatens to bop him. Dawn, who has been pacing and muttering this whole time, decides that she doesn't want to tell Buffy because Buffy wouldn't be happy for her. Her reasoning, I'd like to add, is based on the message given to Dawn by the First Evil (masquerading as Joyce) in "Conversations With Dead People." At this point, Dawn is completely wigged and rushes upstairs so that she can continue her freak-out in private. Downstairs, Xander, Anya, and Willow continue to argue about whether this is good news for Dawn. Anya thinks that Dawn will now either have the lifespan of a fruit fly or a future that will stink of "unfulfilled potential." Willow, visibly rolling her eyes, says, "It's not like that. It's like she's part of this huge power." Andrew steps in and says (and before I quote his line, I want to make sure that everyone realizes that this was an actual line from the show and not something I made up to entertain myself), "It's like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve." That? Is the worst line I've ever heard on any television show EVER. Up to and including any episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger I might have gotten sucked into when I've been stoned on Vicodin after my root canal this week. Blah blah blah. The entire conversation below reaches Dawn up in her room because suddenly the walls and floors of Casa Summers are entirely made up of sound-conducting air or something. The Scoobs argue whether Dawn is really going to be able to handle all of the changes in store for her. Dawn evaluates her reflection in the mirror. "I'm chosen," she says, steeling herself before opening her bedroom window and climbing out. I know that later events in this episode should reassure me, but this moment here with Dawn clambering out of the window just like Buffy used to freaks me right the freak out.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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