Buffy the Vampire Slayer
First Date

Episode Report Card
Ace: C | Grade It Now!
More like "last date"

Cut to Buffy bursting through a door in the school basement shouting, "Xander!" Ashanti looks startled. Xander sweats, because -- sword to the gut, you know. Buffy starts to kick the crap out of Ashanti, but since we've still got ten minutes left, it's a slow fight. Spike rumbles in to assist, and he gets worked over by the demon of stunt casting. She chokes him, and Spike vamps out reflexively. Wood: "He's a vampire." He doesn't sound too surprised, which may explain his ambiguous behavior in the car. Xander sweats some more. Wood runs to Xander and starts to untie him as the Seal of Danzig begins to open. Meanwhile, Buffy and Spike are busy with Ashanti. An übervamp arm reaches out of the Seal and claws at Wood's leg, but he gets Xander down in the nick of time, causing the seal to close again and sever the vamp's arm as it snaps shut. Wood sets a dazed (and sweaty) Xander down against the wall. Spike gets the crap kicked out of him some more until Buffy finally manages to behead Ashanti, whose severed head turns all demony. And then? Buffy runs over to Spike, an immortal vampire, while Xander, a wounded human, lies bleeding from a gut wound. Spike only has a cut lip. He's not beheaded, or staked, or on fire, or in the sunlight, ergo he's fucking fine, whereas anyone who has seen a movie or read a book EVER knows that gut wounds are not only fucking painful but INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS, because if your intestines are perforated AT ALL they can very easily become infected, and then you die a slow and agonizing death. So, fuck you, ME, for having Buffy exchange a long, lingering look with Spike as Xander lies dying of peritonitis. Wood looks as disgusted as I feel. Finally Buffy deigns to toddle over to Xander. "Hey, Xand," chirps Buffy. "I'm here!" Oh, I'm sure your minion is properly grateful. "So how's your date going?" jokes Xander. Buffy and Wood exchange a look.

Casa Summers. Dawn stands by the open front door, and Anya paces and frets about Xander. Willow: "I thought you were all angry at him." "My feelings are changeable but intense," retorts Anya. Ha! Rumor has it that Brit Boy is making Sep change her .sig file to that. Shh! Nobody tell her I said anything. Giles wanders in with a glass of milk, wondering if Buffy is back yet. Chao-Ahn runs downstairs. Her subtitles wonder why everyone is up so late. "Are the flashcard monsters attacking?" worry her subtitles. "She says she can't sleep," mistranslates Giles. He hefts his glass of hot milk and very loudly offers it to Chao-Ahn. Her subtitles are offended at his attempts to kill her, and she retreats upstairs, where she is presumably safe from dairy products. "They're back!" screeches Dawn. Anya ambles over. "Is Xander all right?" she asks. "Looks okay," shrugs Dawn. "Damn him," snits Anya. Wow. She must sure have it bad for Giles if she's hoping that Xander dies so that she can finally go public with their love. I hope they find a way to break the news to Xander soon so we can be treated to scenes of Ganya cuteness. Ganya or death!

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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