Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cruel Intentions

Episode Report Card
Key Grip: D+ | 1 USERS: F
Cruel Intentions
Sebastian: "Cecile's mom ratted me out. I will destroy her." Gruffy: "Cecile has fallen for Ronald the Cello Teacher." Sebastian: "Cecile's mom won't like that." (Presumably because Ronald is black. Did I get it?) Huffy: "But Ronald is moving too slow." Sebastian: "Explain your plan so that a moron could understand it." Don't-Stop-Till-You-Get-Enuffy: "Tell mom about the boyfriend. Mom breaks them up." Sebastian: "But who will they turn to for help?" I-Like-It-Ruffy: "Cecile is planning on going away with Court next week. I want Ronald to screw her before she goes." Sebastian: "Okay." Use-The-Hand-Cuffy then delivers the least comprehensible line in the entire movie, I swear, when she says: "I hate it when things don't go my way. It makes me so horny." Which either means that things she hates make her horny (guh?) or that she hates being horny (buh?). Zuh? Then she climbs on Sebastian's lap and reaches her hand, mercifully, out of the frame, and does something ribald to him. Then she leaves, and he is frustrated, probably because she stayed for so long. Sebastian calls Reese with some lame lost-glasses premise, though he's wearing his glasses. Sneaky. He tells her he misses her, and they go for a walk, during which she wears a shirt eight sizes too small for her. Take-No-Guffy meets Christine Baranski and reveals the relationship between Cecile and Ronald the Cello Teacher. Mom is none too pleased, because Ronald is, guess what, black. Man, didn't see that coming. Double-Stuffy says: "You will be discreet about this?" And mom says she will, so we know she won't. Mom storms into the middle of a cello lesson, yells at Ronald, makes racist assumptions about where he lives (hold the phone, is Ronald black?), and throws him out. Very discreet. She's almost as charming as Sebastian. Sebastian and I-Sleep-In-The-Buff-y show Ronald a letter from Cecile, and promise to help rekindle their "music lessons." Ronald rushes off to write more love letters. Sebastian has a sudden attack of morals and frets about "destroying an innocent girl." With her dark hair glinting, Buffy shoots him down by knocking the slut/stud double-standard, which she's not wrong about. But then she says: "Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine twenty-four/seven?" Whatever, Evil Buffy. Try three/one. You're a bitch for ninety-five percent of this movie. And, actually, if you don't relish acting like Mary Sunshine twenty-four/seven, SMG, maybe you should adopt this character's personality and quit your actual life. Anyhow, Cecile calls, crying. Sebastian invites her over to get Ronald's latest letter. She sneaks out and uses the old doll-in-the-bed trick to make her mom think she's still at home. That'll work.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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