Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cruel Intentions

Episode Report Card
Key Grip: D+ | 1 USERS: F
Cruel Intentions
When mother and daughter leave, Sebastian says, "I didn't know it was asshole day at the Valmont house." Well, if it is, looks to me like you're the asshole, funboy. Buffy snorts some coke out of her religious talisman. Ah, now we know that when she said "God" she meant "smack." Anyhow, turns out Buffy and Sebastian are step-siblings, and their parents are out of town on vacation, where Buffy's mom thinks Sebastian's "impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid." I think Buffy's mom needs to make up her mind, because her husband may be drinking himself into impotence, and he may be diddling the maid, but I don't think he can be doing both. Anyway, blah blah blah, the terrible twosome are bored of their teenage lives, and their money and power and material goods and endless attractive sexual partners. Boo hoo. Buffy is jealous cause some guy she likes, Court, is in love with Cecile, so she's hatched a little plot to turn the clueless young-un into "damaged goods." She delivers ridiculous dialogue like, "If there's an attack on Court, it could be traced back to me." Basically, Evil Buffy wants Sebastian to nail Cecile. You know, this kind of scheming, and talk of "ruined reputations," made a lot more sense in pre-revolution French salons. So what if Cecile has sex? Suddenly this "Court" guy won't want her anymore? Whatever. Sebastian declines because he's got his eye on a bigger challenge. A new girl is moving to town from Kansas (Reese -- yay, a good actor). She is apparently so committed to her virginity that she published a cover story about it in a major glossy magazine. "Girl From Kansas Won't Get Laid." Stop the presses. What. Ever. Oh, and the folder on Sebastian's car seat contains his precious journal, in which he records all of his sexual adventures. This could possibly figure in the plot in some crucial way. Anyway, Buffy doesn't think he can seduce the Kansan. He's willing to make a bet. The terms: She wins, she gets his nice car; he wins, they (i.e. the step-siblings, i.e. ew) have sex. Um -- yeah, that's fair. 'Cause girls don't enjoy sex, right? It's just a tool for them. Sebastian doesn't bite, noting that that the car is "a 1956 Jaguar Roadster," which is, I must say, a salient point. But Buffy reels him in thusly: "You can put it anywhere," she coos. This makes sense, because she's evil and has dark hair and therefore will take it up the ass. And it apparently appeals to Sebastian, who takes the bet. Incidentally, I saw this movie in a theater (I know, shut up) with my girlfriend at the time, who did not understand this line, despite the fact that Naughty Buffy sort of leans back and points her tushy at Sebastian as she says it. I knew then that it couldn't last.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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