Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cruel Intentions

Episode Report Card
Key Grip: D+ | 1 USERS: F
Cruel Intentions
Props to Sars and Wing Chun and Glark for making all of this possible. Moments before I sat down to write this, Sarah Michelle Gellar won an MTV Movie Award for her performance in this film, and received a wet sloppy kiss from Freddie Prinze Jr. Ew. Also, ew to the kiss. The credits play over a quickly moving shot of a cemetery, which I can only imagine foreshadows the career trajectory of most of these actors. Yes, in fact, freeze-frame reveals that one of the headstones reads "Eric Mabius," and there's the ghost of Hollywood Future leading him to it. ["Frighteningly enough, the ghost of Hollywood Future led me to the Internet Movie Database, which informed that a sequel is in pre-production. The horror...the horror." -- Sars] Then we see Ryan Phillippe in a really really nice car that I actually kind of want. The camera lingers on a folder on the passenger seat, which will no doubt be very important later on. Ryan, whose name we learn is Sebastian, is in therapy. His therapist is extremely patronizing and false, and she blathers on about adolescence and bad parenting and hands Sebastian a book she's written called "Good Parenting." I wonder if the therapist is going to turn out to be a bad parent later on? That would be ironic and surprising. Anyway, Sebastian talks about all the progress he's made towards not thinking about sex all the time. Then he hits on his therapist. See, because he's not cured at all, and he's a manipulative liar, get it? On cue, Patronizing False Therapist's daughter calls, and Sebastian basically humps the picture of PFT's daughter on the desk while asking about her. To discourage him, PFT refers to her daughter as an "exceptionally rounded young woman," which kind of makes no sense, but is probably supposed to be a clever single-entendre. Abby Morgan calls her lawyer. When Sebastian leaves, PFT calls him a schmuck under her breath. See, because she's patronizing and false, get it? Then, in this scene's non-ironic un-twist, it turns out that the daughter, who has been on hold, is calling because she's upset that Sebastian (who she describes tearfully as "so charming," though I would describe him as "bland" and "transparent") has posted nudie pictures of her on the internet. We get a glimpse. Hey, she is exceptionally rounded. Downstairs, Sebastian tosses the "Good Parenting" book away. Hey, he probably should have held on to that. I guess he didn't plan on knocking up Reese Witherspoon. Elsewhere, in a nice house, Christine Baranski is introducing her daughter Selma Blair, a.k.a. Cecile, to Buffy, a.k.a. Kathryn. It seems Cecile is going to start attending Manchester Prep, where Buffy/Kathryn is "one of the most popular girls in school." Buffy brandishes a religious object, talks about turning to God, and promises to take good care of Cecile, who actually does a pretty good job of acting awkward and clueless. Mom, can't you tell Buffy is evil now? She has dark hair! Anyway, Sebastian comes in, yells in Mom's ear for no apparent reason, delivers a revolting single entendre, and tries to look up Cecile's skirt. I take it back. He is charming.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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