Buffy the Vampire Slayer
As You Were

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That old spud of mine

Previously on Buffy, Buffy's theatre of pain. Riley left town. Buffy chased down his copter and then fell into bed with Spike. Xanya got engaged. Buffy got a dead-end job.

DMP. Buffy scrapes the grill while one of her coworkers, Todd, stands nearby and flaps his gums about the political power structure of their fast-food environs. "It's like Machiavelli says." At this Buffy looks up. Todd smarms, "You know Machiavelli, right?" Buffy asks if he's the mullet who works day shifts, but I think she was hoping that Todd would just shut the hell up and leave her alone. Todd condescends, "I keep forgetting that you dropped out of college." Cram it, you slimy little worm. I dropped out of college myself once upon a time, but I still know who Machiavelli is. Buffy interjects that she's in the process of reapplying. Todd grabs his bag, saying that he's got to get a move on if he doesn't want to be late for his night classes. He's getting his MBA. Right. Because when one is getting a post-graduate degree, it's quite likely that one would work fast food. Where is Todd getting his MBA? DeVry? University of Phoenix? Ace tells me that my Todd hate is completely disproportionate to the amount of screen time he gets, but sometimes hate is all you have to get you through the day. "See you tomorrow," he calls. "Yes you will," replies Buffy to herself sadly. "And the day after that. And the day after that."

Cut to Buffy walking through the graveyard, carrying a paper sack and singing the Doublemeat Palace jingle. Aw. She's stopped by one of those stupid vampires that actually seeks out a confrontation with the Slayer. Or maybe he's heard about Spike and is hoping for a date. Who can tell? Buffy makes him wait while she carefully places her cargo on a nearby headstone before giving the vamp her full attention. Mid-grapple, the vamp stops and asks, "What's that smell?" Once Buffy testily explains that she's been working at the DMP, the vamp loses interest in her as a snack. He starts to make excuses, but then he's felled by flying stake. Huh. Remind me never to ask the slayer if she's skipped the deodorant.

Home at last and unmolested! Oh, wait. There's Spike in the front yard, who is also hoping for a piece of Buffy, albeit a different one than the first vamp wanted. Buffy stops him with a preemptive "No. Spike." He protests that she can't shoot him down when he hasn't even had a chance to ask the question yet. Spike leans into her airspace seductively; Buffy slaps his hand away, explaining that Dawn is inside waiting for dinner and she doesn't plan on "letting her down." Unlike letting her down by feeding her crappy fast food. Buffy doesn't want Spike inside where Dawn could find them, so Spike leads her over to the tree that is directly in front of the house, because I guess Dawn doesn't know how to look out a window yet. Hey! She's only about 18 months old. She's barely mastered object permanence. God, how I wish that sentence meant that Dawn might disappear forever at any time.

Buffy walks in to the kitchen and sets her bag on the counter. She slides it over to Dawn, but Dawn isn't exactly thrilled. And who could blame her? Cold, congealed fast food? Not appealing. Cold, congealed fast food that's been out patrolling in a graveyard and then in the vicinity of Spuffy sex? Especially with what appears to be your big sister's ass print on it? Even less appealing. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's endangerment of a minor. Dawn gently explains that she can't eat any more fast food. Buffy promises to bring home fish nuggets tomorrow. Willow comes in and comments on the grass stain on Buffy's coat. Willow assumes that it's from slaying vamps, but we all know it's from laying them instead. Buffy herself almost slips and gives it away, then sighs that she has to wash her coat now. Willow suggests that Buffy forget about it and go hang out at the Bronze with the gang and Dawn. Shouldn't Dawn be, y'know, grounded? Buffy tells them to go and have fun without her. They try and cajole her, but Buffy thinks that she's "had enough action for one night." After they leave, Buffy turns to a full sink of dirty dishes. Why is it that Buffy seems to be the only one capable of doing any chores? Did the gang pull a fast one on her? Maybe when she was fresh out of the grave and a little confused, they took her aside and fed her a fat pack of lies. "Buffy, you're the chosen housekeeper. Only you possess the strength needed to combat the grime and filth and evil dust bunnies of the world. This is your destiny!"

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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