Rhyan & Malia

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Rhyan's Hoarf
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New production crew, my Aunt Sally. Thanks a lot, Bridezillas. Now I have narcolepsy. I couldn't possibly care less about any of the people on this show.

Anyway, let's meet Rhyan. She's twenty-eight, and Mindy seems to think she's "free-spirited," and if she means "drunk," then she's probably right most of the time. She's an alternative loan advisor at a fashion college, which...good for her. Her fiancé, Onur, is Turkish. Did I mention that he's Turkish? Because he's totally Turkish. A Turkish asshole who shares no chemistry with our BZOW (Bridezilla Of the Week). "She is Christian, I am Muslim, and we've never had a problem with our religion." He's very soft-spoken, but he seems a little unstable, like he's trying to think of ways to separate you from your head at all times. I just get a very uneasy feeling from this guy.

Apparently, the pair plan to marry at Baker Beach in San Francisco, right by the Golden Gate Bridge. It looks pretty nice, albeit a bit foggy. Rhyan describes her relationship: "It's definitely been the most intense courtship I've ever had." Okay. Onur: "I still get excited every time I see her." Really? Because you look like you're gonna pass out at any given moment, dude. Coffee? Rhyan loves the rapport they share, and mentions that despite the language barrier, they have a lot of fun together and are always laughing. Then there's a shot of him tickling her with some sort of flower, and it's all very staged and cutesy-poo and weak. I don't really sense any chemistry between these two at all.

Mindy now informs us that Rhyan's "little secret" (which it's not, because it's totally on TV) is that she likes to have a drink "or two" to relieve stress. Interesting. I can't even finish five minutes of this show without downing a fifth of Stoli.

Come on, Mindy. You know you can't resist. "When she does, she becomes a bar-hopping, Jello-shot-slammin', drink-you-under-the-table Briiiiiidezilla!" Okay, yeah, I guess. Cliptastic: "I need a drink!" "If you're looking for a green card I'm gonna cut you!" "Fuck you, bitch!" "Fucking idiot!" "I'm drunk right now." "Well, that's some fucking bullshit right there." "[Belch]." That wasn't that good. She basically seems like she just likes to party, that's all. She doesn't seem that stressed with all of the details, and it's not like she's having some big, extravagant affair.

"Today, Rhyan is picking up her top-of-the-line bouquet and decorations." Rhyan: "I want the best of everything, you know? Like, I want the best flowers." Well, who the fuck doesn't? It seems that Rhyan is on her second florist, because the first was unreliable. Scandalous! Not. There's a shot of her picking up the flowers and the cake top. The guy working there calls the flowers "delicate, like you are." Aw, was he hitting on her? Then they cut back to Rhyan in interview, where's she says, "That's my motto!" Wait, what is? Nice editing, show. Nice "new production staff." Bullshit. What was that crap? Mindy overdubs that Rhyan should keep the receipt a secret, because the flowers are a bit pricey. Outside, Rhyan yoinks the receipt from Onur's hands, and I have to say, I'd be pissed if I were him. It's like, dude, nobody's going to really care about the flowers. Why spend so much? I find her trickery a bit more than annoying. It's conniving and childish and stupid. Onur kind of shrugs it off, but you can tell he's annoyed.

"I'm a little sneaky with, like, how much I've been spending. I try to hide it when I've actually bought something." Onur: "Every day, I pay money. And I hate it." Yeah, dude. Doesn't it suck that goods and services have to be paid for in money? Shut up. Rhyan's "strategy" to keep her budget low is simple: "I round down a little bit with the price. If it was say, $400? I'll round that down to $200." Um, that's not really rounding at all. That's more like halving. ... Hee! I just paused it to write that and Rhyan's face is all distorted like she just smelled a really rank poot. "I think that's reasonable." Not in my house, it ain't. Check yourself, girl, seriously. She goes over to a paper shredder when she gets home and puts the receipt in. No good, dude. "I've had to dump that shredder bag so many times!" Yeah, like, ha ha, dude. You're a genius.

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