Regina & Angela

Episode Report Card
The Warpath
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Okay, a preface this time. First off, allow me to express how very happy I am that Regina's storyline is finally at an end. I know that Marsha was bad, but at least she was consistent. Regina? Not so much. I think she has a few really serious imbalances, as does anyone who makes this kind of a fuss about their own wedding, to the point where they can't even enjoy it. Second, I need to point out that Bridezillas is really bad television. We should all be ashamed for watching it. I'm ashamed. Every time, I spend half the episode with my face in my hands, shaking with self-loathing. This show is poorly edited. Clips are used and reused mercilessly. Nothing happens in chronological order. The musical cues are insanely bad, not just with regards to timing, but the actual production of the music is awful. The narrator is an idiot, whose voice I hate. The women they choose are either not Bridezillas at all, or they are such bossy, demanding hags that the term "Bridezilla" doesn't even fart in the direction of the tip of the iceberg.


Coming up this hour: Regina and her big fat Portuguese wedding. And someone named Angela, whose only claim to fame at this point is "Are you insaaaaaane?" I'm already crying.

Okay, I'm sorry, but another thing I hate about this show is the recap they do of the main bride's back story. How many random visitors can they really have to this show that would necessitate them doing that? We already watched, Mindy, so get the hell on with it. Guys, remember how Regina was fat? Remember how Domingos should be given a medal or some sort of statue for being so tolerant of her when she was large and in charge? "Being loved exactly as she was sealed the deal for Regina." Yeah, it didn't matter that he threw his own feces and had a face that was shinier than a chrome hubcap, as long as he loved her as a fatty. He must be a saint. Shut up, Bridezillas. I've said it before, but now I really mean it. Don't make me pull this thing over. I'll come back there! "After losing all that weight, Regina was ready to gain a husband." Wow. I just puked all over my computer. Guess I can't finish the recap, is that cool? ... Shit.

Anyhow, Regina's getting married on January 13th at Oheka Castle in Huntington, Long Island. Now, I don't know if I've mentioned this, but that place looks really nice. I'm not saying I condone Regina getting married there, but it looks like a pretty spectacular venue for a wedding...if you can afford it. Regina: "I really wanted to have this fairy-tale moment, this magical moment." Guess what, sweetheart? My tax dollars aren't meant for you to use on "fairy-tale moments," okay? You obviously have the energy to plan a wedding. Get a job.

"Now, on the eve of her fairy-tale wedding, Regina fears this event is turning into a horror story." Like, no shit, Mindy. It's been a horror story. "I've put a lot of dedication and a lot of hard work into tomorrow, and that's why it's important that it goes well." Hmm...does anyone else smell a BZ climb-up? Because I might want to leave the room. Yup: "In the blink of an eye, this sweet-natured girl from New Jersey can turn into a foul-tempered fiancée from hell: a bull-headed, hot-headed, anything-but-level-headed Briiiiiiidezilla." I'm now crying. Tears are streaming down my face. I hate the climb-up, you guys. The BZ reveal. It makes my soul hurt. God is laughing at all of us right now. Pointing His big finger and hurling giant guffaws at how easy it is to amuse His creation. Here come the minions of the bad editors, the Clippies: "Everybody zip it!" "Okay, can we get going?!" "I don't want anything being left with anybody." "People are incompetent." "Guys, stop it!" "I don't care. It's my wedding. I'll do whatever I want." "People are so rude." To her fucking dog: "Mommy's gotta go because we're dealing with incompetent people." I hate her. If I had been there, at her wedding, I would have sabotaged shit just to make her blood boil. I would move shit around. I would step on her veil, if not light it ablaze. I would shit on the dance floor.

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