Malia & Dana

Episode Report Card
Mr. Stupidhead: C- | Grade It Now!
Pump Up The Glam
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Man, oh, man. So, a little birdie who shall remain nameless has informed me that Malia is/was friends with one of the producers (who was apparently fired halfway through her segment), and that's how Malia ended up on the show. Said birdie also alleges that, although Malia didn't think the show would even air (which, duh...third season), she used to opportunity to "pump" her "vendors" and get a whole bunch of shit for free, like her wedding band, her "couture" (yeah right) dress, and a bunch of her other "celebrity" services. Does this make her more or less of a whore? Just because I don't like her, I'm going to say "more." Well, that and because she ragingly traded in what was left of her dignity for goods and services of a predetermined monetary value. On with the show!

So, we all know about how "31-year-old starlet in waiting" Malia met Rich. Actually we don't, but we've already been through this twice, so I'll spare you. "Malia is planning an A-list celebrity wedding." Yeah, Malia: "I am most obsessed with getting a celebrity at my wedding." Yes, as you've made abundantly clear. She goes on to explain how she has "run through the gamut" of her various "celebrity" service-people, and Mindy brings it on home by reminding us that it's all "complete with a celebrity husband." Sorry, but again I have to say "no." He's not a celebrity. Most "former major-league pitchers" aren't really celebrities, Mindy. Why am I bothering with this? It's literally the same shit they've been showing the past two weeks to introduce these two. God, how boring.

Mindy, I'd like an order of BZ with a side of Climbup: "Will Malia be able to keep her feet on the ground? Or will she become an over-spending, card-maxing, attention-grabbing, out-of-control Briiiiiiidezilla?" My guess is the latter. Clippies! "I'm gonna fuckin' drag you fuckin' down with me." "This is bullshit." "Rich is gonna flip out." "[hyperventilating dramatically]" "You're holding the frickin' reigns!" "Get in the limo, now!" "No fair!" "Oh my Gawd!" Ech, hate. "It's all about exploiting me!" So, you had no idea, huh? Really? Because the show is called fucking Bridezillas, you simpleton, and it's not a sizzle reel. Get a clue. Enjoy your free shit.

"Today, Malia and Rich discuss some wedding details over lunch." ...At the same orange-walled place they seem to always eat at. After a shot of Malia slugging back what is probably her eighteenth glass of wine, Rich asks her where the hell she got her stupid, pink-jewel-encrusted telephone. "I like the bling bling, it's me!" "Bling bling"? Dude, 1999 called, and it's pissed. And not because Y2K was such a letdown. Anyway, Malia then mentions her tiara, which...barf, and Rich wonders aloud, "Who's wearing the tiara?"

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