Calisse & Malia

Episode Report Card
Mr. Stupidhead: C- | Grade It Now!
Delusions of grandeur
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Well, here we are again. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? There's a whole bunch of shows out there, yet we keep returning to this one. It tells us it can change, that things can get better, but they never do. It just seems that the bad times get even worse each time, but every time we start walking towards the door, remote in hand, we think of the really good times, when Bridezillas were just that, not truly horrible people who just happen to be getting married.

I just...I just wish it could be like it was. Or at least like I've heard it was, because I never really watched this show until I started recapping it.

You know what makes me actually understand when cartoon characters rip their hair out with their fists? This show's theme song. I know I've mentioned it before, but...I just...hate! I can't explain what it is, exactly. I think it's just the whole thing, the whole production. The synthetic horns don't help. The stupid "Hot, Hot, Hot" feeling of the number, either. I just can't believe that's what they chose. I'm sure they had a choice. It's like, who made Shakira a star? Probably the same person who chose the BZ theme. Hate.

Sorry. Yes, yes, the show. Got it. So, we're back with Calisse, recapping all the information they gave us last week. Mindy: "Calisse fancies herself a dainty princess." Really? "Dainty"? Not the first word I would use. After Calisse briefly describes her dress (an strapless ivory and gold "princess type of dress"), Mindy wastes no time jumping right into the dreaded Climb-up: "Will she wed with class, or will this diamond in the rough turn into a mean-spirited, over-achieving, out-of-control Briiiiiidezilla!" Mindy...God. I'm so tired of you. Just clip me with your best shot. "Don't be rude!" "It's my wedding, I get to spend money!" "Things don't ever go right in my world." "It's Calisse's day, and you need to get it together." "Hurry, hurry, hurry! Scurry, scurry, scurry!" "Are you listening to me?" Wow, what a bitch. Not. I mean, she can get kind of bad sometimes, but nothing like some of the other ones we've seen this season. Like, remember Regina? Now there was a 'Zill you could get nice and pissed about. Calisse? She just doesn't piss me off enough. I feel like a real Bridezilla should make you feel violent, you feel me?

Today's the wedding rehearsal. "First, I have to pick up my son." Who in the what now? "Son"? Okay, you've been on the show a whole week now, and nobody knew that. See, here's another thing about this goddamned show that I can't fucking stand. They don't ever give you any really important or even relevant data on the person you're watching. It's just not thorough! Get it together! Why are we just now finding out about this child? That's such bullshit! Anyhow, she's on the highway now, getting a little bit road rage-y. Why do all of these women have such bad anger man-- oh, yeah. I forgot what show I was watching for a second. "No talking, no socializing, just move!" Okay, easy there. Dang. Next, she picks up Deandre, her fiancé, who "makes the mistake of being a backseat driver." Except not really. He and Calisse have a brief miscommunication about where they're headed, but he doesn't once comment on how she's driving. Instead, he plays around with Calisse's son (whose name I don't think we ever learn), and it's really cute. They seem to have a good rapport, and they all look very much like a family already. Aw. Mindy: "Nobody is spared the wrath of a Bridezilla in a hurry." Calisse makes fun of her son for walking slowly outside of the church they just arrived at. I would hardly call that her "wrath," but hey, who the hell am I?

Inside, Calisse and her girls get to work on the decoration scheme of the wedding, and she finds out that yet another groomsman can't make it to the wedding because of something called a "hair-bump infection," which sounds made up to me. She's clearly a bit miffed because this is the third groomsman to cancel. "How the fuck...'scuse me, do you get an infected hair bump?" Dude, I don't know. Sounds like a dick move to me. Mindy: "Calisse expects everyone to be perfect on her big day, including a two-year-old." Which, again...not true. Calisse is very patient with her sister Keniqua's daughter, Rayla, one of the flower girls. She's very cute, even when she's randomly screaming "Cinderella!" into the camera. Rayla runs down the aisle, and clearly doesn't really get the whole "flower girl" concept, but that's okay.

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