Big Brother
The Inaugural Boot

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
When Gerry Met Salad...

Saturday. Previously on Big Brother 3: Everyone was stupid.

Welcome to the Big Brother house. Never before have so many done so little for so long. In case you were in an unobservant mood twelve seconds ago during the previouslys, the tail end of Lisa's nominating segment is shown yet again on the black-and-white Dramatic-Tension-Cam. In the diary room, she congratulates herself: "My answers to my nominations of Marcellas and Lori couldn't have been any better." Huh? You know, I've reached a point in my life where I'm trying not to accumulate any more books, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to spring for that copy of The Official Lisa-English/English-Lisa Dictionary if we're going to last the season. She grins toothily that "everything worked out great." She describes herself as "very proud." Whatever you say, there, girlie.

In the living room, newly minted nominees Lori and Marcellas are trapped in a resigned hug of monochromatic dismay until the moment that they decide to buck up like the sprightly little elves they are, and they high-five. When their hands connect, there is a frightening outbreak of orchestral chaos, followed by a blast of what sounds like it might be a brass band made up entirely of badly dented tubas. The picture snaps into full color. Wow, just like The Wizard of Oz, if it had been about people smoking and scratching their behinds.

A cat walks on the piano at the music editor's studio apartment while he knocks back a Yoo-Hoo and wonders how he's going to pay off his student loans and still have time to write Ramen!, his edgy rock opera about the lives of young singles in New York. Roddy nuzzles the back of Lori's neck while he voices over that he was bummed about her nomination. In the diary room, Lori herself takes forever to explain that she doesn't know the other houseguests and they don't know her, and that's why she was nominated. During this speech, planets were born. She wraps up at last with a little "I'm not done here yet" statement that she means to come off as sassy, but that actually comes off as creepy and unhinged.

Marcellas -- who seems to have recovered from Lori's wardrobe -- tells us that he was sad for Lori because being nominated made her so weepy. Lori, on the other hand, tells us that "the game is on." Oh, gack. Marcellas chats with Roddy and Eric in the living room about the discomfort of having his own fanny on the block. He fumbles the Big Brother Shake, and chuckles with the guys over whether getting the hang of it would save him from eviction. In the diary room, he says that he considers his nomination a stab in the back, because he had been friendly with Lisa even before she was HoH. Well, get used to it, darling -- she's a snake, that one.

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Big Brother




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