Big Brother
Settling In

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Eat, Drink, and Be Scary

Julie explains that the houseguests will enter in three randomly selected groups of four to run for the bedrooms. The first room is the Big Bed Room, which is pretty plush and has real walls, but which requires two people to share a bed. Then there's the Aquarium Room, which features fish-tank décor and a big glass wall separating it from the last room, Youth Hostel Lite, which contains only three cots and a bench. A bench? Ow.

The houseguests gather at the front of the house. Julie greets them, and because they say "Hi" to her, she calls them "a lively bunch." Evidently, Julie grades on a curve. She gives a speech about competition, friends and enemies, power struggles, and how -- in case they haven't heard -- there will be no TV and no contact with the outside world. This is like the beginning of an airplane flight, when the flight attendant tells you where the plane is going, just in case you don't want to go to Albuquerque. Julie just wants to make sure they all really intend to spend the summer appearing on Big Brother. No one runs screaming, at least in the version that makes it to the air.

Eric, Lisa, Gerry, and Amy are the first to get into the house. They pick the Aquarium Room, and it's hard to tell whether they just missed the Big Bed Room, or whether they chose the separate beds over the privacy. The Aquarium Room also features a pet lizard. "Ah luuuuuuve rep-tahles," Amy oozes in the diary room. "Ah don't have anything made of rep-tahles." Amy's Motto: If I Like You, I Won't Make You Into A Purse. She's all heart, that one.

Next into the house are Roddy, Chiara, Marcellas, and Lori. They spot Youth Hostel Lite, but they don't find the Big Bed Room at first. Marcellas says they almost gave up and concluded they had to sleep on the cots, despite the fact that "that would suck." Man, you said it. Like a Hoover. Those cots look uncomfortable. With a little assist from Gerry, they eventually find their way to the Big Bed Room. They flop onto the beds, having narrowly beaten the last group to enter the house: Tonya, Josh, Jason, and Danielle. This bunch is not too thrilled about the cots. Jason lands the bench. Sorry about that, plastic monastic lover.

Because this show is all about responsibility, the very first thing the houseguests get from Big Brother is a giant tub of liquor. I mean, I suppose that's what I would want too, but this from a show that just got sued over its contestants and their quasi-violent sex play? Josh: "Well, the reason I got everybody together in the living room and I took over the leadership role, is because I am the leader." Man, don't get me started on how much I despise the grammatical construction, "the reason is because...." That makes my teeth rattle. He goes on to put on his Mike-Mike-Mike Boogie Shoes and very efficiently annoy the hell out of everyone in the room. He tells them he's a long-term substitute teacher. Everyone gives this a grudging nod of obligatory respect, but they still hate him. No -- everyone hates him. The other contestants hate him. The audience hates him. The brine shrimp rotting at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake have already heard about him, and they are circulating a petition to have him evicted. They are signing it with their teeny little tails. Like most imbeciles of his particular type, Josh makes reference to "keepin' it real." In the diary room, he declares that Marcellas was "jealous" of him. Josh tells Marcellas to introduce himself next, and then diary-rooms that this was a "trap" that forced Marcellas to "play second fiddle" to him. Can I kill him now? Of course, I wouldn't actually kill him, because that would be mean, but...can I just have him killed?

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Big Brother

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