Big Brother
Exit Lane

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: A | Grade It Now!
Hayden the Player

Julie is draped in moss-green as she reminds us that for the first time ever, a secret alliance made it all the way to the end. I still can't believe it myself. She says that accursed phrase, "two-hour season finale," and the audience jumps to its feet. Except the Zingbot 3000. I think it was already standing.

A whole season's worth of previouslies ensue, as if we haven't already spent 29 broadcast hours on these people this summer. Except this version makes it seem like the Brigade knew exactly what it was doing all along. Which is not how I remember it at all, even if Enzo does.

So we're where we are, which is with Brigadiers Enzo, Lane, and Hayden alone in the house. Hayden won the first part of the three-part HoH competition, and Lane won the second, so tonight they'll be competing live for the honor of naming the last evictee (which will probably be Enzo, who's won approximately fuck-all).

But first! Julie introduces an unnecessary clip package of the final three and their last round of pre-live show strategizing. Hayden Diary Rooms that if he wins the HoH he's all set, but Lane still isn't sure which of the other two he'll want up against him if he wins. Enzo, on the other hand, realizes that he's screwed. "I'm the mastermind, I'm the Godfather, and it looks like I made a hit on myself." Yeah, that's about right.

Lane and Hayden hang out in the kitchen in homemade "BRA-GADE" t-shirts, congratulating each other. Hayden tries to downplay his own record to try to convince Lane to bring him to the final two in advance, but Lane isn't sure yet. If he's lucky, it'll be moot.

Meanwhile, Enzo is bitter about his own creation turning on him, and vows not to lay down and die. Even though he's currently laying down in a bedroom by himself while the other two hang out in the backyard.

Next day, Enzo is making the same case to Hayden that Hayden made to Lane, talking about how much he sucked at all the competitions. Hayden points out that he played the "best social game ever in the history of Big Brother," but in the DR, he seems receptive to Enzo's point.

Enzo moves on to Lane, who claims that he couldn't beat Hayden or Enzo, but Enzo tries to convince Lane that the only person Lane can beat is Enzo. Lane's torn between his head and his heart. Although if he could see how ridiculous Hayden's hair looks in the shower, like we are right now, that might make his decision a little easier.

Final group Chenterview in the living room. Over the viewscreen, Julie asks Enzo if it was worth it to leave his wife and baby daughter to play the game, and he admits that it wasn't if he doesn't get any money out of it. Julie asks Hayden if he learned anything about himself, or life, and he says he feels like he can do anything. I assume he means anything that isn't dancing. Julie asks Lane what he'll miss most about the house, and he says "a guy calling himself Meow-Meow," and becoming best friends with a lot of people in a house full of strangers. What, that doesn't happen to him all the time?

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Big Brother




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