Battlestar Galactica
The Woman King

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | 4 USERS: C+
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The Helo Suit

Helo shirtlessly worries over his paperwork, his new responsibility as the Mayor of Dogville, sits on the sofa, finally falls asleep. Sharon, holding Hera, finds him sleeping there and looks down at him adoringly, worried about how hard he's pushing himself, and how selfless and amazing he is, and how she'll never understand what would make a person so incredibly virtuous, given what a selfish shrew she is. We fade to the corridor, next morning, where he doesn't even hear Sharon asking him about the rough night, such is the heaviness of the burden on his brow, and he says he had a "stupid dream," and Sharon worries -- Dogville's population is about to increase by 300. "I don't know where I'm gonna put them, but it's not like I'm walking around taking my own pulse." Maybe you should, Helo. You seem to have an emotionally retarded solipsist operating your joints from within. He slaps her ass at the corridor junction, cutely, and the Pilots come running up from another direction, Lee and Kara and Racetrack, and they all fall in together. The good thing about this unendingly shitty script is that the actors are just as good as ever, even with what they have to work with, so it's not as horrible in action as it is on paper, but they shouldn't have to work this hard. Dee and Cottle don't even try, honestly. Racetrack cracks Kara up with her request of Helo for a sex cubicle to which she wishes to take a "ripped and ready nugget" that she wants to "break in, you know, just right." Any other writer I'd probably laugh, and feel a little sorry for Racetrack, but God knows what the Helo suit thinks about all this. Maggie says, "Thank God he didn't get his hands on Starbuck in this episode"; Jacob says, "Like that would even fucking occur to him." Everybody heads off on CAP, Helo and Sharon kiss and are adorable.

Helo murmurs comfortingly to the refugees, an unending monologue of kindness and civil service. An attractive young Sagittaron, named Buckminster, speaks up about how he wants to stay with his people, and Tigh steps on Helo's authority, telling Buckminster to shut it. Buckminster helps his elderly father through the queue, and Helo reminds the Colonel that he's got the situation under control. "Yeah, sure you do," says Tigh, because he has a history of not recognizing the authority of skin suits like Helo and Kara. Across the hangar bay that is Dogville, in triage, a Dr. Robert is introducing us to the other of the two patient stories we're tracking this week: Willie King. His mother waves Robert off, telling him they're fine, and Robert surreptitiously waves Dualla over, to persuade Mrs. King to accept his care. "We're Sagittaron," says the woman King. "We don't believe in medicine." Dualla assures her it's fine: Robert is a civilian, so he has nothing to do with the military. "We'll respect your traditions," she says. Except I don't think Mrs. King said, "We don't believe in medicine specifically as practiced by military physicians," so already you're disrespecting her traditions. Which is fine, because these are cramped quarters to be going all Christian Scientist on yourself, and that needs to get talked out, because that's the point of the show. Problem is, it never does, because this episode isn't even about what it is about, is how dumb this is. So Dualla's like, "Trust me, I'm a (self-hating) Sagittaron," and this apparently changes Mrs. King's entire belief system, because she lets Robert check the boy out. As he's feeling Willie's lymph nodes, Willie starts reacting poorly to the exam, and he and his mom run away from Dr. Robert, who immediately starts bugging Buckminster's dad. Junior tells him to screw off, and Robert backs away -- then notices how every single person in the hangar is suddenly coughing, sniffling, and looking haggard. As a medical doctor, he is trained to notice giant anvils like this falling on his head from the sky.

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Battlestar Galactica

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