Battlestar Galactica
The Woman King

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | 4 USERS: C+
The Helo Suit

What part of any of this is okay? Look, I'm not saying you have to hate the episode, or that I think you're stupid if you loved it or even kind of liked it. Not that my opinion should really have anything to do with yours anyway, since you're a grownup. I like plenty of things that are poorly written, it's not a comment on me as a person. Hex is one of my favorite shows and it regularly makes this episode look like it was written by geniuses. But what offends me here is that first of all, I don't watch science fiction shows for this reason: clumsy moral dilemmas that get solved out of nowhere, black-and-white emotional responses, complete disregard for character continuity, sexless two-dimensional cardboard characters nobody could ever actually care about, misogyny both subtle and overt. This show is an exception to my personal rules, because it brings me an outrageous amount of joy almost every week. So when I say that this is a serious drop of the ball, I'm not setting it alongside other crappy sci-fi shows, I'm comparing it first of all to itself, because at the very least sitting down to watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica should fulfill the promise that you'll be seeing an episode of that show. And this was not one. It was an episode of a horrible show that I never would watch and never want to see again. Secondly, it offends me as a writer, because it's shittily written. I don't know which actually bothers me more. I do know that this piece of crap made me like "Black Market" a lot more, and for that reason alone I despise it.

So anyway, the Helo Suit tells the Adama Suit worn by Michael Angeli's father that it's not necessary, but the Adama Suit assures him that he does have the apology. Then there's a deleted scene where Helo admits that he killed the infected POW's in Angeli's other episode that nobody cares about but him, and Adama's like, "Are you sure you wanna have this conversation?" and Helo says that he does, and then I don't know. They talk about cribbage or something, whatever's boring and simplistic and stupid, they do that. Then back in the real episode that we had to watch on TV, there's stupid music and Helo standing at the desk until Adama looks up, Helo giving a simpering salute, Helo walking to the door, pausing briefly and leaving, and all of a sudden everything smells of West Wing for a second, and then Helo leaves. The Adama Suit sits down and sighs and thinks about how amazing Helo is, some more, and how he really should have played more baseball with him when he was younger, and how the cat is in the cradle and/or the silver spoon, and then Helo comes down the hall toward his quarters, and framed in the door, there's Sharon just standing there blankly and accepting his miles and miles of bullshit because vindication somehow works through the transitive property, so even though in their last scene she called him -- and rightly so -- a dickhole, now because Adama and Tigh apologized, she's fine like it never happened, and she's holding the baby like a pieta, like that one awful poster for <.i>Brokeback Mountain that had family values, and he walks with his back straight in to his wife, because he is a man and this is what men do, and he's just completely right about everything, and she's sorry for being such a bitch, and they kiss, and it is very, very gay. The end. FOREVER.

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Battlestar Galactica




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