Battlestar Galactica
The Woman King

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | 4 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
The Helo Suit

Frankly it would have been funnier if the whole episode were this lunkheaded. Like you could have Laura screaming at Zarek, "I feel personally responsible for the Occupation due to my crisis of conscience w/r/t to Gaius's winning the election, so I took it out on him for awhile, but I realized that I was being an asshole, so I'm trying to play Caprica against him without fracturing my tenuous personal ethical boundaries!" Or you could have Lee Adama go, "It's not that I don't love my wife, it's that I am star-crossed with a doomed and broken woman-child who hates herself too much to accept the idea of happiness!" Or Caprica could ... oh wait, that totally happened. All the other ones I'm thinking of, actually happen in this episode. Never mind.

Immediate cut to Helo running down the stairs toward triage, screaming at the Fugees to get out of his way, like in every other scene in this entire episode. Somewhere, Cally's running up to somebody with a phone. He searches the med camp and finally finds Dualla, passed out on a gurney, and he checks her pulse, and a thousand crazy-ass Lee/Kara shippers break out party hats, but after the commercial, she's fine. She's drowsy, because sedatives alleviate the "symptoms." Helo grabs her and tries to take her to Cottle for a second opinion, but because she bitched about Cottle for no reason earlier in the episode, now we buy her doped-up noncompliance. "He's got hands of stone," she mumbles, just so you remember that scene at Joe's Bar where she made that stupid joke and her stupid husband made that other stupid joke and everybody looked really uncomfortable when they were supposed to be having fun at the bar and watching Chief's ongoing breakdown happen right out in the open. Robert comes up, of course, and yells, and Helo yells back, and Robert summons Marines, and Dualla fights him weakly. Cut to Tigh and Cottle coming down the corridor toward Dogville with a bunch of Marines. I guess they look glum or scary or hardcore or angry or hateful or something, but like: it's Tigh and Cottle. Could you even tell?

Robert yells at the Marines he summoned that Helo is "lost" and hurting Dualla, and Helo screams that he poisoned her, but of course we know he didn't, because she's mentioned like six times that she hates Sagittarons as much as he does, or whatever. Robert screams for Tigh, hoping to leverage his sexy mix of racism and misuse of authority to get Helo off his back so he can go back to his creepy death experiments, and Dualla continues to bitch, and Tigh and Cottle are still walking, and you already know everything that's going to happen, because this episode is -- did I mention -- embarrassingly poor in quality, so there's a lot more of Dualla whining and Helo being all King Kong with Marines flying around him like biplanes and Robert screaming about unrelated shit. "I don't know what kind of a crusade you're on, or who you're trying to impress, but it seriously is not working," he says. Which is another really awesome line, because: WORD! Stop killing people for no reason and maybe we could be friends, because you really have a gift for the one-liners.

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Battlestar Galactica

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