Bachelorette

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Throw Robby from the Train
o be blurred. Reviews are mixed, from "all in good fun" to "that's not something you show the bachelorette" (no, not until the overnight dates) to "oh, the humanity" (recapper only). In an interview, Jillian says it made her laugh, but made her feel a little awkward, because she doesn't need to see the package yet. "Although it was huge," she notes.

So way to make sure Tanner knows you disapprove, what with immediately giving him some one-on-one time, Jillian. He tells us that Jillian knows he has a foot fetish (probably because he never shuts up about it) and she knows that he was ... it sounds like "blessed"? Is he talking about his package? The closed captioning says "born with it" but that isn't anywhere close to what he said. And then he is rubbing her feet to the extent that he has to interrupt her when she tries to talk to him about why he hasn't had a one-on-one date. He rates her feet nine, to nine and a half, and says her feet would be a ten if she'd paint them "mango-mango," and look at me going for the fast-forward button again. "Now that I've felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family," he says. Yeah, that about sums it up.

So then the guys and Jillian are all "cheersing" with their drinks ... I don't know what they're toasting. Displaying your insecurities for all the world to see? Being morons? It's Jesse's turn for one-on-one time, and I think the producers told them to be as incomprehensible as possible as they talk about their glacier date. He says he wants her to come to Carmel and meet his parents. "I'm 100 percent sure that they would fall in love with you," he says, and now they are kissing. "Jesse is somebody that continues to surprise me," she says, like Jesse just revealed that he's Batman, for god's sake. She says there was a "special spark" with him tonight.

Michael's turn. WILL THIS NEVER END? They go outside to toast marshmallows, and Michael's spastic ridiculousness is really starting to grate, and they talk for a million hours about toasting marshmallows, like maybe Jillian can come up with a stupid marshmallow theory to replace her widely debunked hot dog theory. And then Michael tells us that he's known in the house as the young guy who makes everyone laugh, but he's ready to get romantic.

So he tells Jillian, "Here's the deal: it worries me a little to be falling for you, you know what I mean?" Yes, we know what you mean. You mean you're a moron who can't handle adult feelings so you result to romantic-comedy clich├ęs, to wit: the inscrutable loner who says something like, "I'm falling for you, and that scares the hell out of me."

So let's check in with the guys inside. Someone says, "This is getting real--"

OK, forget checking with the guys inside. Oh, no wait! Tanner's coming clean with the other guys about being the one who told Jillian that some of the guys there had girlfriends, but he assures them he didn't name any names, and didn't throw anyone under the bus, and he thought it was the right thing to do at the time. But he just wanted to come clean with his "boys." Hmm. Solid of him. Jesse looks torn, and Jake sticks up for Tanner, saying he's not sure he wouldn't have done the same thing. You're too perfect, Jake. Wes is sure though, because he can't stand "tattle-tales." How does he feel about guys who use children's terminology for grownup things? He talks about not running his mouth about other people's business. Jake says he noticed that Wes immediately got defensive when Tanner came clean. In the room, Jake says if he found out someone had a girlfriend, he'd tell Jillian and also be upfront about saying he's the one who did it. Well, seriously. Just who are you douchebags supposedly there for?

Wes shrugs it off and says he's been here for six shows already, so he got what he came for: "That's going to be a huge thing for me. I already sang my song that I wrote for Jillian. Frigging serenaded her. It's a no-brainer. I've got what I wanted. If I could get a little publicity, then I could haul ass. Or I could stay and try to get the girl." After his little speech, no one says anything, but Tanner tells us that Wes is an awful human being, and he's going to be so pissed if Wes gets a rose tonight.

Meanwhile, Wes is all, "later, dudes" and suggesting that they seal this up and don't talk about it anymore, and goes out of his way to congratulate Tanner on being a man. Jesse says this is awful, but he's not going to talk about that with Jillian. Jake says he and Wes are good buddies, so he's going to get to the bottom of it, because if Wes is here for his album, then he's not here for Jillian. And it's not fair for anyone there who actually wants to get married, especially Jillian.

So then they all go hottubbing, and instead of drowning, Jillian babbles about meeting people's families, and gives the rose to Kiptyn. Michael tells us that kicked his butt. Jake is likewise disappointed. Really? It's disappointing to not continue in the competition?

And the next day, Jake is still whining about the whole thing. "I think at this point I might not get a rose without opening up to her completely." So that means he has to go and pester Jillian in her room and have an inane conversation about how awesome this whole thing is. "I really like you, a lot," he says, laughing. "I'm not going to tell you that I'm in love with you, but it's, everything is just lining up." She tells him she's glad he talked to her, and she doesn't doubt how he feels. He tells us that he hopes Jillian saw how serious he is. Haven't we seen nothing but the rod-up-his-ass serious Jake?

And now the train is going through the Kicking Horse pass and heading on to Lake Louise, which is truly one of the most beautiful locations in Canada. Jillian says she had an instant chemistry with Reid but she wants to use the one-on-one date to figure out what "him and I" have in common. Here's hoping he's not a grammar stickler.

They're going skiing and possibly snowboarding, so Reid can experience one of Jillian's "happy places." Doesn't that date come later?

So then there's Reid falling on his ass time and time again, which means Jillian can make a lame joke about Reid falling head over heels for her many times, and then she praises him for being such a good sport, and it always amazes me when people are praised for exhibiting basic traits displayed by functioning adults. Like, "He didn't throw a temper-tantrum and storm off the hill! What an amazing guy!" And there's more like this, with Jillian pointing out Reid is a good skier so he could have just skied all day and made fun of her bad snowboarding: "But he never!" No, he never, Jillian. He never.

Back on the train, Tanner says he thinks Jillian and Reid are having a good time, and he figures Reid will get a rose. Jesse tells us he doesn't see any kind of connection between the two of them. Michael tells the group he'd rather see any one of the guys there get a hometown date over Reid. Really? You know, Michael strikes me as the type who would have said that no matter which guy was currently on the one-on-one date with Jillian.

Meanwhile, Jillian and Reid are now having drinks at an ice-sculpture bar on the side of the mountain, and it's really beautiful, and then they ruin it by babbling away about families and being in love. And then Jillian notes that Reid's ears are red, and he says that when a person's ears are red, it means they're horny. Or they have high blood pressure! In my case, it's a mild allergy, except I've never figured out what the allergy is. Anyway, I'm sure you'd rather hear about the two of them making out than about the mild allergy that turns my ears red. And they get warm to the touch, too! It's weird.

So after coming off the mountain, Jillian says she had a great day with Reid but she needs to figure out how Reid would fit into her life, and she into his. And so they have a nice little fondue setup in what I presume is Jillian's suite, and Reid turns on his neurotic charm by talking about dipping the raw meat in the sauce that everyone's cooking their whatsit

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