Bachelorette

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Throw Robby from the Train
ing for me. I guess the Descant family curse to not get married is alive and well, because here I am on the damn train tracks," he says, picking up his bags and heading into town before he gets assaulted by moose during rutting season. And we're forced to watch endless shots of Jillian looking all morose at the thought of eliminating a really great guy, because she was totally forced to be on this show and play it exactly the way it always gets played, right? She says that with Robby, the conversation never got it deep as it should have. Ouch. Hear that, Robby? Jillian didn't think your conversation was deep enough. Jillian. She whines again about how she doesn't like hurting people like that. Again, she was forced to do this, you guys.

Back in the Douchebag Car, the guys are still marveling over Robby being let go. "It's getting real," says Jake, so everyone watching can cross out the "Some Idiot Says 'It's Getting Real' Even Though Someone Says That Every Week" space on your Bachelorette Bingo card. Michael tells us, "The dam broke, and the flood's coming," whatever that's supposed to mean. And then he's actually crying, for god's sake, and says something about lightning striking and a tornado being on its way, and he really needs to stop being on television and saying things to people.

Meanwhile, Wes is telling us that if there's anyone there with a hidden agenda, it's him, because he's been working on his new album for a year. "Do you think people are overnight successes? They're not! I have nothing to lose. I have everything to gain, so I just kind of slipped back into Jillian mode," he says.

And we go watch him wake up Jillian, who apparently didn't notice that a camera crew was filming her as she slept. So he's there under the guise of cheering her up, and she blithely tells us that Wes always makes her feel better, and she feels safe with Wes, and then she's telling him how hard things are, and she kinda wishes there were more jerks there, like baby, you're in luck! He advises her to stick around for a while. And she cuddles into him and says she likes him.

Cut to Wes all but cackling and twirling his Snidely Whiplash mustache, talking about the fame he'll get from this show. "I taste it. I eat it. And it comes inside me and becomes a part of me," he says. "Fame"? Quick, Wes: name THREE PEOPLE who have been on this show. "Fame"? Give me a break.

So anyway, I ... oh my god, did he just say "It comes inside me"? IS THAT WHAT HE SAID?

After I regain consciousness, Wes is all snuggled up with Jillian, their eyes closed. "I got records to sell!" he says. Ah, there's the cackling. He also proudly proclaims that he'll always have Jillian wrapped around his little finger. Hee! It's about time Wes started being honest.

So the next morning, Jillian is talking about how leaving Robby behind broke off a little piece of her heart, or something inane, and so she wanted to start fresh and have breakfast with the guys, and she talks about how this is like an old-fashioned romantic movie, riding the train with all the boys. An old-fashioned porno, maybe.

Then Jillian leaves the guys with the date card, for Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake, Kiptyn: "Next stop, Rocky Mountain Romance." And Reid can't figure it out and has to be told that that means he gets the other one-on-one date. And then Michael opens his mouth and figures the date has to do with ice cream, because "Rocky Mountains" is an ICE CREAM.

And then the train is arriving in Emerald Lake, B.C., and everyone gets off the train except Reid, which luckily for him means that he didn't have to go snowshoeing and witness the return of Tanner's overriding foot fetish, and Reid got to sit and drink and read and listen to music on the train instead of snowshoeing and falling on his ass and throwing snowballs and saying that Jillian looked really sexy in her snow gear, over and over and over again. And then they play hide and seek, and Jillian is talking about how hide and seek made her feel like a kid again, like what is her obsession, and then Jake is jumping her for a quick cuddle, and then Jillian blathers on about how you can do whatever you want in the snow because it's so forgiving, whatever she means by any of this, and now that vein over my left eye is throbbing again, so I need to go lie down. Jake says, "Rolling around in the snow, and then the whole thing was just, kinda surreal, if that's the word to describe it." It's not.

And there's Reid hilariously feeling sorry for himself, all by his lonesome on the train, worrying about his date. He amusingly asks a female train employee if he should wear glasses or not (she says no) or a hat. She also vetoes the hat. What kind of hat was he thinking about? A top hat? And then he gets some advice from some train dude about expressing how he really feels, and I was kind of hoping that it would turn out that this guy was just the ghost of a conductor who died averting a fatal derailment years ago, like in a Tom Waits song.

And then there is more horseplay, just before Jillian leads the gang of snowshoeists to a lodge where they're going to warm up, and Kiptyn and Jake and Jesse tell us that, guess what, they all hope to get a rose tonight. You know what? I have an episode of Wipeout on the DVR. Why am I watching this?

So anyway, after Jillian gives us some blah blah blah about how hard it's going to be to give out a rose, she takes Jake outside to go chat, and Jake tells her that he'd be lying if he said he wasn't falling in love with Jillian. Outside, Jillian marvels how fast this whole thing has gone, and Jake says it feels like it just started yesterday, and I have to disagree, given that it feels like I've devoted half my life to this soul-sucking show. He talks about how he got the first one-on-one date, but they haven't had a whole lot of chance to talk, and then they blather on about how she cares about him, and that's why he's still around, and then he says, "You're a lot like my mom," which is what every woman DREAMS of hearing from a boyfriend, and he talks about how nurturing she is. Then she asks him what it would be like if they had a hometown date, and he talks about how the relationship between his parents is the "neatest thing" he's ever seen, whatever that's supposed to mean, and he's sure his mom will tell stories.

Meanwhile, the other guys are inside plotting a way to break up Jake's time with Jillian, which is the kind of thing that outcast guys like Juan always get crucified for, and the guys all come outside just as Jake was apparently going to tell Jillian how he feels, and also go in for that magical kiss that would have ensured he gets a rose tonight. In an interview, he gets mad that he didn't say what he wanted to say, and also something about how he's worried that she still thinks he's much too awesome, or something.

And then there's Jillian and Kiptyn talking, and he says he's going to be "completely candid" with her, and it's not like he's sharing some dark secret with her; he's just being "completely candid" about LIKING her. Way to take a chance on baring your soul, Kiptyn! He talks for half-an-hour about how he treats people so awesome, and then they are making out. She tells us that when she and Kiptyn are together, their bodies physically get close together. How this is different from any other guy thus far is beyond me.

Anyway, Michael is whining about frontrunners Jake and Kiptyn getting one-on-one time, and so he's going to make a move, which consists of him asking in front of everyone what Jillian wears when she sleeps, and she self-consciously says underwear and a tanktop, but if she's had a couple of drinks, maybe just the underwear, and then there's Tanner offering to show her what he wears to bed, and then Jon and Kate Plus Eight watched for a little while and said, "My GOD, this show is a trainwreck." And then there's Tanner pulling off his pants, and despite the fact that he's wearing some kind of underwear -- pink, brief underwear -- his package still needed t

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Bachelorette

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