Bachelorette

Episode Report Card
Daniel: B | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Throw Robby from the Train
So the grim death march that is The Bachelorette continues. Here's hoping no one needs to make the totally selfish decision to STAY EMPLOYED versus staying on this farce of a show.

And this show is still defiling the natural beauty of the Canadian Rockies. I presume this has something to do with the United States finally declaring The Bachelor/The Bachelorette cultural crimes against humanity, so now the show isn't legally allowed to film on U.S soil. Oh, no, wait, scratch that, because Chris Harrison is explaining that there is going to be one group date and two individual dates this week, and the five guys who get roses this week are going to have hometown dates. And this week the gang is getting a train and riding all the way to hell, or just across Alberta, and Michael, speaking about himself in the third person, says the best-case scenario is that he gets Jillian alone in a car and some "smoochy-smooch ensues, you know what I'm saying?" No, you're far too vague. I have no idea what you're saying. Tanner credits this show for getting him to do two things that he never would have done otherwise, which are a) go to Canada and b) get on a train, like SET SOME GOALS, Tanner.

So everyone files onto the train, and hopefully this is all a ruse and they're actually being deported. Jillian says that Ed leaving made her "realize how important this is," because someone has to be reminded every episode of how important this is, except the weird thing is they're always wrong since the answer to "how important this is?" is "less important than the pebbles between the treads in your shoes." Everyone oohs and ahhs on the train, and Michael somehow things it's "every kid's best dream" to be on The Bachelorette on a train.

Canada Tourism must be excited at the ensuing footage of the Fraser River, and I think it's dingbat Wes who says, "Is this a lake or an ocean?" And then Jillian is still whining about Ed. And she actually says she doesn't know if she'll miss Ed forever (I know! The answer is "you won't!") and she wants someone less serious, to cheer her up. Reid tells us that it's crucial he gets a one-on-one date, because of the hometown thing. Just once, I'd like footage of a guy saying, "You know what? If I don't get a one-on-one date this week, no biggie." As it turns out, Robby gets the one-on-one date, and he says he hasn't been this nervous in a long time.

So Hell Train is still rolling along the Rockies. Jillian says she's just going to have a chance to sit and chat with Robby. Well, it's not like they can do a whole lot on a train. Robby says this is a big-deal rose because it's not just about keeping someone on, but about wanting to meet his family. Robby says his attitude is "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" get that rose, and it's good that he's looking to children's books for guiding philosophies.

And then Robby the bartender and Jillian practice flipping a shaker for what feels like five hours, and Jillian drops the damn thing eighty times, and I really hope that thing gets disinfected before it serves any more drinks. Jillian says she loves Robby's fresh approach to life, and I guess "fresh approach" means "pretending to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail."

So they take their drinks and go out into an observation car so Jillian's car can fly all over the place, and they seem to be enjoying themselves, and Robby's fairly confident that he's getting a rose, and he offers one of those ridiculous over-qualified statements like "I think I'm in a position where I could quite possibly begin the process of considering falling in love" type of deals, and then the train goes into a tunnel, and we all know what that symbolizes.

Speaking of symbolism, the two of them go right for the caboose, which is where they're going to have dinner, and Jillian tells us that when she's with Robby, she feels "five or ten years younger," which is great, because that would mean that she would almost be his age, and then Robby says his dad "couldn't be happier" about his son being on this show, and everyone in his family thinks he's going to be the first to get married, because apparently all his siblings suffer from a family curse that involves not getting married, and then Jillian talks about starting a family in the next few years, and then Robby.... I don't know, he says about "putting yourself out there" and then he admits to being young and being "between jobs" but that's OK, because love has no age and has no job. Has no brain either, apparently.

Then they go downstairs in the caboose for dessert, and Jillian tells us that she doesn't think Robby's really considered where he's going to live and how to pay the bills and what a family looks like. "I need him to picture that before I can trust him and trust putting my life in his hands."

So after a commercial break, this date is STILL going on, and Jillian is talking about Robby making her feel "young again," like who are you, old Rose from Titanic? So then they lounge on a couch with all kinds of cushions, and they lie there and cuddle and Robby talks about how nervous he is, and he looks at the rose sitting there on a table, taunting him.

Back in the Douchebag Car, the other guys are speculating about how Robby D's doing, like READ A BOOK or better yet look out the window at the amazing scenery instead of wasting more than one second than is absolutely necessary on this stupid show! The consensus is that Robby will be fine and get a rose. So we know where this is going.

Back in Jillian's car, the two of them are drinking wine and Robby is lamenting the lack of vocabulary that prevents him from saying anything more interesting than "this is fun," and then Jillian is prodding him to GROW UP somewhat by suggesting that he open a bartending school, and Robby's all "nuh-uh!" for some vague reason and then says that there are so many ideas that go through his head that it's stupid, and Jillian gets that look on her face that women get (presumably) when they figure out that this guy has all these vague plans to be awesome but then winds up on The Bachelorette. And then there's Jillian telling us that she knows Robby's ready to fall in love and have a partner, but he's not ready for all the stuff that goes with it. Translation: Robby's not going to take care of Jillian the way she's repeatedly said she wants.

And then the train starts to slow down, and the dudes in the douchebag car are all, "So what happens if Robby doesn't get the rose?" and then Robby himself is asking why the train is slowing down, and instead of just giving him an answer, Jillian starts into one of her patented hoarse rambling monologues, this one about how Robby makes her feel young (again with that. How old do you think you are, Jillian?) and she blathers on and on and I think the goal here is just make Robby want to jump off the train so he doesn't have to listen to Jillian use her "this is just as hard on me as it is on you" voice.

She says that what she needed was to find out if she could marry him, and what she's found out is that she would, if it were five or ten years from now. When you're forty? Gross! And then the train is dramatically screeching to a halt, and Jillian starts to get all sobby-faced, and Robby tells her that it's OK, and Jillian starts listing all the ways in which he's awesome, just now awesome enough so he can stay on the train and not get eaten by wolverines in the Canadian wilderness. The rest of the guys are amazed to see Robby's luggage get hauled off. Jillian tells us that it was so hard on her to not give Robby a rose, adding, "It must have been hard on him too." That's nice of her. Oh, and it broke her heart, apparently. Well, then, give him one! Don't just leave him here in small-town Canada, ready to join some quirky Northern Exposure-esque community! The other guys wave goodbye, and Robby pounds his chest at his homeys. "Obviously I feel very rejected. It's very disappoint

1 2 3 4 5Next

Bachelorette

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP