Bachelorette

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I'm Here for the Right Reasons -- Booze
There are still thirteen guys left in the house, which is thirteen too many. I mean, the bunkhouse should be vacated and then bulldozed, kind of the way they do to houses after it's discovered that a serial killer lived there, you know? Give a boost to the healing process.

But it's not going to happen this week. Chris Harrison visits the house to let the douchebags know that there are three dates: group date, one on one, and two on one date. "This could be kinda rough," says Harrison, explaining that of the two guys on the two-on-one, only one will be coming home. Oh, and there's a problem with the dates: Jillian's left town. That's a problem? Oh, she's just gone to Vancouver, which is where the guys are going to go. All the guys act really excited to go to Canada, which one guy spells C-A-N-A-A-D-A, so let's hope whoever that was gets shot and killed by border agents.

Kiptyn says he's excited to go to Vancouver and "get this party started." Dave says he hopes to get a one on one date, which is probably where he can best showcase his beady, bloodshot eyes, in case Jillian digs that kind of thing. Ed figures they all have to step up their game.

And I have to say, the guys could be doing worse than visiting Vancouver, which is one of the most beautiful cities in Canada (discounting the city's shame of the Downtown Eastside, just a cesspit of drugs and crime and failed social policy), although I have to wonder about how Jillian's actual hometown of Peace River, Alta., feels about Jillian completely disowning the province of Alberta, especially since Alberta newspapers love playing up Jillian as "our" bachelorette, which isn't exactly the greatest thing to be bragging about, like a "Canada's first swine flu death happened in this province!" kind of thing. It may be true, but that doesn't mean it's not sad.

Jillian's excited to show the guys what Vancouver's all about, which I imagine will be what everything else on this show is "all about," i.e. acting like morons. Jillian welcomes the guys to a Fairmont hotel which is a longstanding luxury hotel chain, like going back pre-Confederation days, and one of the guys makes a joke about being surprised that there's a bathroom inside the place. Which is either a funny joke about pretending to think Canadians are pretty backwards, or has to do with how much nicer the Fairmont is than the outdoor shower at the bunkhouse. Jillian toasts the guys being on their home turf.

Hey, Robby, thanks for sharing that guys are getting more nervous, since because there are fewer guys, the competition's tougher. We never would have guessed. Juan says he wants a one-on-one date so he can come out of his skin and show Jillian what he's all about, or something.

Date card! "Kiptyn: Let's cook up some love, Vancouver -style." Jake seems genuinely happy, because Jillian seems to be interested in an actual nice guy, as opposed to the edgy bad boy. Which does nothing to explain why Dave is still around.

As for Jillian, she's excited to spend the day with Kiptyn, because he's somebody that she's been interested in since the day he stepped out of the limo. She's walking along the waterfront, and squeals when he shows up and they hug and twirl or whatever. Like every one-on-one date ever, it's described as being "all about me and him," or "all about me and her," in Bachelor seasons.

The date consists of kayaking to the Granville Island farmer's market, like maybe Jillian should know by now that you can take a frigging ferry to the island. "I need to know that somebody can keep up with me," she says, before babbling on about how she doesn't think she can keep up with him, which is great, because she also wants a challenge. Somehow they manage to make out while they're kayaking.

So Jillian wants to get some homemade tortellini or ravioli because she can make a pretty good sauce, and she felt really "cute" with Kiptyn, like the two of them were a real couple shopping for groceries and holding hands. It's nice that she forgot what a load of fake bullshit this all is.

Back at the hotel, Juan says he's looking forward to shrinking the number of guys in the house, because it's more and more the top-notch guys are left. In an interview, he tells us that if David's the guy for Jillian, then he's not the guy for her, like NO KIDDING, JUAN. He also feels that if Jillian spends any time with Dave and finds out what Dave's about, it won't "bode well" for him.

He also tells the guys, including Jake, that he wouldn't want to go up against Jake. Jake's all, YEAH, and says, "She's looking for a man. She doesn't want a leech, but she wants a man," whatever that's supposed to mean.

Meanwhile Kiptyn and Jillian are hanging out and talking about the kid's charity in San Diego that he works for, and Jillian says she volunteers for Big Brothers and loves it and would do more if she had more time. She could have lots more time if she'd get off my television. Then they feed the pigeons, like thanks for attracting the disease-carrying feathered vermin to the gorgeous waterfront, you jerks. Then they talk more about ... I don't know. Let's say the Canucks.

So now the two of them are cooking dinner, and Jillian says that every girl's dream is to be all hot and flustered cooking in the kitchen and worrying about the food turning out all right, and then some guy comes up behind her and starts grinding all over her, or something. Then they have that particularly annoying conversation on this show, where instead of just talking to teach other, they talk about how easy it is to talk to each other. Kiptyn says the reason he hasn't had a whole lot of relationships is because he tends not to pursue. "And so, part of this experience, when I was considering it, my first instinct was to say no," he tells her, admitting that he told himself he needed to do this to get "out of his comfort zone" and I'd like to say that the "comfort zone" is very underrated and unfairly maligned on this show. Then they start making out.

Back at the hotel, the doorbell rings, and there's another date card: Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes and Michael, Reed, Juan and Dave are going on the group date. Can I just say that any of the guys who is really excited that Dave gets to go is likely a massive douchebag himself? "Who can sweep me off my feet?" reads the card. Then the guys do the math and realize that that leaves Mike and Mark for the two on one date, and maybe if Mark were so damn worried about having to go, he would actually SHAVE, for crying out loud. He asks Juan's opinion who he thinks is going to be leaving, and tells him to be honest, and Juan says he thinks Mark will be going.

Meanwhile, Jillian and Kiptyn are cuddling outside, and Jillian tells us the whole date she was just thinking about giving Kiptyn the rose. If you think that means she's just going to give him the rose instead of babbling on for half-an-hour about getting to know the "real Kiptyn" or whatever, you are sorely mistaken. "Tonight, Kiptyn wasn't afraid to tell me how he felt," Jillian says, adding that he made her feel like the only woman in the world. Wouldn't you rather feel like one of three billion women in the world, and this guy chose you out of all the rest? Kiptyn tells us that he's a happy man, and he looks forward to the next time he sees her. They kiss goodnight at the door, and Jillian does a little happy dance that totally wasn't for the cameras or anything.

So the next day, the group date is something "Canadian." Oh, OK, awesome. I'm not a curling fan by any stretch, but much better they do something interesting like this. And I'd also like to say that, although it might not be the most necessarily fitness-requiring athletic pursuit, as the less-than-chiseled physiques of some of the world's top curlers can attest to, the skill level required to play it well is very underrated. Easy to learn, difficult to master, as the saying g- well, no, it's not even super-easy to learn. It takes a while to get the hang of it, especially lear

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