Bachelorette

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Finally it is Ali's turn to take the stage. She is wearing a fake tan, a lot of blonde weave, and a silver dress that looks like it is one size too small as it is way too tight on the bottom and blousy on the top. Ali claims it is just great to see everyone again! Especially that one guy in the back who hasn't said anything because he was only there for one episode! Hi! Ali explains how hard it all was, and Chris wants to talk about that, because it might possibly be interesting. It's not, particularly. Ali is proud of how she handled the Justin situation, but she never really cared about him anyway, so whatevs. She was hurt by Frank, but she is dark and twisted and paranoid and totally expected it. Then she giggles. Chris asks Ali if she wishes she could have brought Kirk instead of Frank and Ali doesn't really answer, but definitely doesn't say yes. Then Chris hands the floor over to Krazy Kasey, but it's okay, because they frisked him and put him through a metal detector. so the only thing he can hurt her with is his voice. So he sings her a fucking terrible song, and everyone screams in pain. Fun! Then it's time for The Bachelorette blooper reel, which I am not going to recap. I will not sink that low. I won't do it. No. Go away. Stop asking. I must preserve my remaining brain cells for both The Real Housewives of New Jersey and The Bachelor Pad.

We're in the final stretch, and the only people left to make fun of are the finalist Bachelors Chris L. and Roberto. We are treated to a montage of their journey together. Try not to gag. I failed, but maybe you will succeed. Roberto is dreamy and athletic and has dimples and is falling in love with Ali and awwwwwwwwww... Then we have Chris and his dead mom and his adorable house on Cape Cod. He makes Ali super-happy, and he loves being with her, and he could really be The One. Think the show is over? It's not! Time to foist The Bachelor Pad on the unsuspecting audience. Apparently the cast is composed entirely of crybabies and sluts and is basically ABC's attempt at being VH1. Don't worry, I asked for a Valtrex stipend for everyone!

Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see our list of the rules of being a Bachelor!

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Bachelorette

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