Season 9: The Men Tell All

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 80 USERS: B-
Désolé, Desiree

Welcome to The Bachelorette: The Men Continue to Make Asses of Themselves on National Television! Chris Harrison welcomes us to the show with his usual bunch of lies about how America is gripped by the trials and tribulations of whoever the current Bachelorette is.

Oh, good, we're doing that sad thing that started with Sean where they're going to visit people holding Bachelorette-watching parties, where people pretend to surprise that Harrison and Desiree show up, despite the fact there's a camera crew already in the room to film the entrance. Desiree is entranced with watching herself on television, possibly because she's wondering how she can be inside the magic box if she's also currently outside the magic box.

She appears to have convinced herself that everyone watches this bullshit non-ironically, instead of hate-watching, or maybe watching to see some abs and expensive dates and to play Marry, Kill, Fuck regarding the competing bachelors (or, more accurately for most seasons, play Kill, Kill, Kill). "It's great to know they're so comfortable with me and they feel like they already know me," says Desiree, which is not something that any celebrity truly feels, but then again everyone will have forgotten about her in a few months. And now Desiree is accosting random strangers in New York City, and then "the Mesnicks" — Jason and Molly — show up with a baby for another grab at fame, and here's Trista to give a hilariously tepid endorsement of Desiree as being "as deserving as anyone else of happiness."

After everyone's done feeling sad about the future of humanity based on what we see during these viewing parties, Harrison then warns us that The Bachelor returns in January, which is going to play hell with my planned resolution to forget that the show actually exists.

And now here's a segment where Desiree sits down with "three of the most popular Bachelorettes ever, and that turns out to be Emily, Ali and Ashley who are definitely among the Top Nine most popular Bachelorettes in history. I was able to remember Emily's name, but the other two I had to wait until chyrons revealed what their names were, and I don't think that even happened with Ashley as she barely had anything to say, so I had to look her up on Wikipedia. At any rate, it's just a stupid excuse to fill time by showing flashbacks of the "bad boys" who Desiree is going to confront on tonight's show. Emily and Ali babble on about sticking up for yourself and then there's a toast with someone saying, "Here's to putting guys in their place," because of the way we like to pretend The Bachelorette totally turns the tables on sexism and puts the woman in charge.

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