Season 9, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 9 USERS: C+
Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn

Anyway, he seems to have made a scrapbook of their time together using his crappy drawing skills, and the first picture is of a man's naked torso. He claims it's of him, from his first night in the mansion. Then he walks her through the rest of his splotches, all, "Remember when we were in Germany? That was awesome" and then they kiss. He says he's not going to say "I love you" today because Drew's there and he and Drew have respect for each other, or some weird made-up chivalrous bullshit that wouldn't even come up outside the insanely artificial Bachelorette world anyway.

And now Drew gets to sit down with Desiree and open up about how he doesn't open up very much, and how excited he is for his family to meet Desiree. Desiree -- as she has with all the men -- is less concerned with finding out what the family is like as she is with finding out if the family will like her.

Well, Zak would be very interested to know that Drew isn't abiding by the code of Not Telling Some Broad You Love Her If You're Both On A Date With Her At The Same Time, because he tells Desiree that he's falling for her, and then they make out.

Then she gives the rose to Drew, because she's a hundred per cent certain she wants to meet his family. "I may have lost at go-karts, but I think I'm winning in the romance department right now," Drew tells us, prompting massive eye-rolling.

The sun sets on Madeira Island while the men pack -- Chris appears to have a pair of oversized novelty sunglasses in his suitcase -- and get ready for the cocktail party.

Desiree is excited. "Feelings have formed!" and "I feel good about the five!" she says, because this show is nothing if not incessantly romantic.

Then she sits down with Chris Harrison, for the ultimate time-waster: the Bachelorette babbling inanely about how she's feeling. Fortunately, he manages not to ask who she thinks has the biggest dong. Notably, she seems to be all but admitting that Brooks is far and away the front-runner, which isn't in keeping with this show's general MO of trying to convince us the Bachelorette is in various stages of love with everyone remaining. But she's digging Brooks. Harrison asks, "Is this over?" And Desiree half-heartedly says she's falling in love a little bit with Chris. So is that our final two right there?

Rose Ceremony. Desiree rambles on about how this isn't about "qualities" because of course they all have great "qualities," but about the growth of their relationships. She gives a rose to Brooks, then to Chris, then finally to Zak, leaving Michael out in the cold.

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