Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 9 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn

They sit down for dinner in an alley under the lights, with Michael wasting his first one-on-one date by talking about how excited he was to finally get a one-on-one date, and then talks about how his father left them, so he was raised by his mom with help from his grandparents. And relationships are important to him, as he doesn't want his tombstone to read "World's Greatest Prosecutor" or anything, but "Loving husband and father."

Back at the hotel, the two-on-one date care arrives, but it's not like there's a mystery, given that the only two who haven't been on dates yet are Zak and Drew. Desiree, per the card, is looking for the man who can make her heart race.

Meanwhile, Michael is bringing down the date by talking about how he found out his girlfriend was seeing another guy, or something. Fortunately, Des is so amazing that he's ready to have sex again! "When I'm around you, it makes me so happy, because you give me hope," he says. And as usual, Desiree is pleased by a bachelor's offerings of woes and personal trials. Michael says he knew it would take the one he was going to marry to make him feel like he could love again, which kinda seems like a tautology to me.

Now it's time for the ultra-low-stakes two-on-one date. A rose will be given out on the date, but the guy who doesn't get the rose isn't eliminated. Zak and Drew head out to a go-kart track, with Desiree explaining that this will be a fun date with no pressure.

She wants to see Drew let go, which he apparently doesn't do very often. And Zak doesn't "seem himself" in group settings, she tells us. Shouldn't you have taken him on a one-on-one date, then?

So they race around the track for a while, then they stop and talk about how they vroom vroomed really fast. And now she wants Zak and Drew to race for a "special surprise," by which I presume she means a handy. And we watch the two of them race, and it's not exactly Fast and Furious here. And Drew versus Zak is kinda like Alien vs. Predator: Whoever wins, we lose. And the winner is Zak? I guess? I must have missed the special surprise. I suppose I could rewind, but ... I mean, it's so late. [The big surprise was that he got to talk to her alone first. - AC]

They sit down for a picnic off to the side of the track, like how pleasant that must be. "What a life we live," observes Zak, and Desiree says, "I know, right?" See?

The three of them guzzle wine for a while, and then apparently Zak's big reward for winning the go-kart race is that he's first for alone time with Desiree, like what a rip that is.

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