Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 9 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn

Night falls, and Chris and Desiree are strolling through the town before heading for dinner at a winery. Chris says he's falling in love, which is not a word he uses lightly. Well, you're on The Bachelorette, where the word "love" has pretty much zero meaning!

There is family talk. Desiree wonders if they'll like her. What the hell would Chris say to that? Desiree is talking about how independent she has been (?) and her family only met her high school boyfriend. [And they met Sean, but she's conveniently blocking that. - Angel] Chris is nervous because he's trying to figure out a good time to tell her he loves her. He should have given it a shot before he pointed out to her how sweaty he is.

OH GOD HE HAS A POEM AND HE'S GOING TO READ IT AND THE POEM IS CALLED "INDIVIDUALLY DEFINED"

"The strongest word with so much meaning/hard to say without a stammer./But when expressed with true feeling/sincere, for no other word can mean so much more." And you're thinking, "Oh, he's not even bothering to at least force some shitty rhymes into it," but then there's this: "Feelings had changed and were oh so real/Meant to be is how I feel."

Here's the thing about Chris's poetry: I doubt that someone intentionally trying to write shitty poetry could come up with something as awful as this. Like the cuisine equivalent is like if you said, "Here's some macaroni and cheese I cooked, only instead of milk I used urine." So Chris does tell Desiree he loves her, and because she's dating four other guys the best she can muster is being all, "Aw, that's super!" and they make out and Chris is practically ready to propose, as soon as she gets rid of her other boyfriends.

Speaking of her other boyfriends, it's the next day and Michael meets Desiree in town for one of those dates where the couple patronizingly samples the local culture. Michael confusingly says that if you were on a scavenger hunt for a woman with forty-seven qualities, Desiree would have forty-eight. I don't know what it means either. Sitting down for a drink on a patio, they chat blandly about journey and then start making out, which I'm sure is appreciated by the other customers.

Then they do some sort of street toboggan thing, which Desiree calls "cool," an adjective she also uses to describe the artwork they see and Michael's confidence that he was meant to go on with this journey. Everything's cool. Also, pretty much every observation made by a bachelor she responds to with, "Right?" or "I know, right?" like when is THAT going to go away? For Michael, love is a "wild ride" or whatever, shut up, Michael.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7Next

Bachelorette

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP