Season 9, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 9 USERS: C+
Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn

And then fireworks go off, and yet again the idiots on this show can't seem to comprehend that the fireworks going off are not their own personal fireworks but are available to anyone who has functioning eyeballs in the area. Then they don't even watch them, because they're making out, all the better to employ kisses-as-fireworks' metaphors. "I can definitely see him as the one. I can see Brooks down on his knee. And it's exciting," says Desiree. For whom?

The next day, Desiree shows up for Chris, and they stroll off down a dock because they're taking a boat out onto the ocean, and Chris is supremely stoked to be "chillin', boat-style." By law, they are required to stand at the prow for awhile, before they get down to the bathing suits and rub sunscreen on each other, and then they talk about the physical attraction they have for each other, which Chris weirdly describes as "pretty legit."

Back at the hotel, Michael is pleased to finally get a one-on-one date card. Finally, he can unleash the power of his weird eyes without Desiree having anyone else to look at!

I think by this point we've heard from every guy on just how important it is to them for Desiree to meet his family, as though it's not just the next step on this elimination game, kinda like saying, "Getting a rose is really important if I'm going to continue on this journey." They pull up towards an island which Chris says has "beautiful colors and ridges" (?) that he can't compare to anything in the States.

They stroll around for a picnic and then talk about how their friends see them, and finding someone to share their lives with. "It's really a perfect moment," says Chris, adding that it's a memory that only he and Desiree will have. Except for the camera crew, I guess.

Ugh, and now these two idiots are writing a poem together that they're going to put in a bottle and throw into the ocean. Can you imagine finding this bottle washed up on a beach, excitedly opening it and reading, "Experiences we share together/keep the memories close to heart/so that with time/our love never parts"? As they throw the bottle into the ocean, Chris talks about how skeptical he was coming into this, but now he can see Des being the one. As usual, late in the season, contestants talk about how skeptical they were at first. Go back to the first episode of any season, and you will never hear any of them speak of anything other than their unshakeable hope in finding love on this stupid show.

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