Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 9 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn

They park and venture awfully close to the edge of a cliff but there are no sudden gusts of wind that could have ended this series a little earlier. Brooks is trying to figure out where their "relationship is at" and the two of them are discussing where they are between "like" and "love," a range of emotions that doesn't have a place for the hate I feel for both of them.

On and on they drive, up into the mountains, and somehow this is a metaphor for Brooks. He's "up in the clouds," trying to figure out his feelings for Desiree. Then he babbles about putting together puzzle pieces. She says things between the two of them seem very natural, which is belied by their stilted, awkward conversations. Then they make out, and Brooks says whatever happens, they figured out that they both want to be in love with someone. Well, with dazzling insights like that, they're a match made in heaven! Then they say "cloud nine!" about a hundred times, and Desiree tells us this is the fairytale she signed up for.

Back at the bachelors' place, the only tension is whether the next card is a one-on-one date or a two-on-one. It's one-on-one for Chris: "Let's 'sea' if we can find love here," the card says, and Chris says he wants to jump up and give a fist-pump, "Tiger Woods style," and if I may offer one humble piece of dating advice to Chris it's that he might not want to share his admiration for Tiger Woods' style with Desiree. He's no longer sweating Brooks being on a second one-on-one date, since Chris thinks he and Desiree have a unique connection.

Desiree tells us that never in her wildest dreams did she imagine she'd ever find herself in Madeira with someone she cares about so much. I believe her, in the sense that I'm sure she'd never heard of Madeira before two days ago. She and Brooks are at dinner right know, and again using "cheers" when they should say "toast," and now Brooks is saying "cloud nine" again. And now he's talking about how attached his family has become to his previous girlfriends, which sounds promising for Desiree. He looks awfully sweaty as he tells Desiree that whoever his wife is will be "absorbed" into his family which sounds pretty fucking scary but Desiree makes approving noises, and they get back to the "adjectives" they tasked each other with coming up to describe the stages between "like" and "love."

Do you want to know the "adjectives" they came up with? Ahem: "Stepping." "Skipping." "Running." And "finish line." So asked to come up with adjectives, Desiree comes up with a noun and three fucking gerunds like CRACK A BOOK SOMETIME and Brooks says meaningless things like Desiree saying "running" is "an honest calculation of where she's at" whatever that means and then he says "cloud nine" and then they go up to the roof of wherever the hell they are, and start talking about meeting Brooks' family, and Desiree asks if he wants her to meet his family, and Brooks won't win any points for quickness because it kinda took a while for him to say "yeah."

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