Season 9, Episode 7

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 9 USERS: C+
Frankly, Madeira, I Don't Give A Damn

This week's adventure takes us to Portugal's Madeira Island, which is actually off the coast of Africa, and as usual the beauty of the setting is in stark contrast to the tawdry and petty reality show that has washed up on its shores. I wait with bated breath to discover whether this is the perfect place to fall in love. Until then we have to listen to the guys say their typically inane things like, "Look at this fish in the water!" like WHERE ELSE WOULD THE FISH BE and Desiree explains there are three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one, but someone won't be eliminated on the two-on-one, and she seems to think everyone, like her, is happy that there will be no pressure on the dates, and she is severely underestimating just how much the audience holds on to the hope of elimination during every single date.

As usual, we get this far into the season and two hours doesn't stretch very far with just a handful of suitors left, so we need some padding, in the form of Desiree bringing back some of her "girlfriends" from last season to help her decide. Sure! I mean, they haven't met the guys or seen Desiree interact with them, so why shouldn't they help her make such a momentous decision? I always really resent these kinds of segments, because once these idiots have ended their run on a current season, I think it's only fair they stay forgotten. Instead, we see Catherine and Jackie and Lesley squeal when they see Desiree and instead of speaking like adults who say things like, "Let's make a toast!" they say, "Let's do a cheers!"

Desiree gives them the rundown on the remaining assholes, and perpetuates her contractually obligated myth that she's falling in love with all of them, and after just a few minutes the men just happen to come out to hang by the pool, and Catherine doesn't know how to use binoculars but does observe that "Brooks really likes to do the basketball." And naturally a moment ago the women all wanted to pretend not to be shallow while discussing Desiree's prospects, and looks were not mentioned at all, but as soon as the men come out the women all pick the most suitable Bachelor completely on looks. And then the women grill Desiree on who is the best kisser, most athletic, most successful, and apparently one of them asked who has the biggest dick.

At some point after I black out, it ends, and next thing I know Brooks and Desiree are going out on a date, which involves a coastal drive -- and therefore endless extreme closeup overlit shots of the two of them in the car.

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