Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Bavarian Brouhaha

And then it's time to sled down the mountain, which looks incredibly fun/dangerous. I am pleased to see that no one is wearing helmets, so I cross my fingers for some major head trauma. And the trope of "whatever we're doing is a metaphor for love" returns, with someone proclaiming that "love is like sledding down a hill" and then there's the "let's praise Desiree for basic adult behavior," as in they're impressed because Desiree didn't lose her mind after wiping out.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Ben and Michael await their date card, with Michael continuing to go out of his way to tell us how much he hates Ben, to the point that you really wonder if he's trying to convince us or himself. At any rate, he's looking forward to the opportunity to show Desiree what everyone else already sees.

When the card comes, Chris reads it: "Let's heat things up! Two guys, one rose. One stays, one goes." Michael tells us he suspects Desiree is doing this because she trusts Michael to "expose Ben for the fraud he is." Why he thinks Desiree wouldn't just send a fraud home, he doesn't explain. Logic isn't Michael's strong suit. Which is weird because isn't he a lawyer?

Back on the mountain, Desiree leads the idiots through a store set into snowy mounds -- just how often has the phrase, "We have no idea what to expect at this point," been used on this show? A thousand?

Anyway, it's an entrance to an ice mansion, which seems like a lot of fun, and it might have been if Desiree hadn't started talking about Bryden. I'd like to point out that being bummed about Bryden leaving but also urging the bachelors to just leave if they don't feel things are right sends mixed messages.

And now Brooks is talking to Desiree, at least for a few moments before they start making out. You'll never believe this, but he wants the rose. Who else wants the rose? Well, Mikey. YES EVERYONE WANTS THE ROSE THE ROSE IS NECESSARY TO CONTINUE ON THIS SHOW. Now Mikey is talking to Desiree and spinning a scenario in which he presumes Desiree will take his last name and has been impregnated either three or five times. Meanwhile, Zak strolls outside and yodels at them, and Mikey bitches about this jackass grinding his gears.

So it's Zak's turn, and he talks about how weird it is that they're on a mountain because ten years ago he was almost a priest but he climbed a mountain and decided it wasn't right for him and then started chasing tail? I might have missed the point of his story.

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