Bachelorette
Season 9, Episode 5

Episode Report Card
Daniel: F | 1 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Bavarian Brouhaha

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives: "Will you climb the highest mountain for me?" It's for Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Zak, Brooks, Drew and Mikey. So Micahel and Ben will be on the two-on-one date the next day. Michael, who looks like he hasn't slept in days, says he'd rather be on the group date. He goes over-the-top in telling us he finds Ben "repulsive" and how he has enough evidence to "convict Ben of fraud" and laughably talks about the "gladiator-style setting" where he will "murder Ben." It's a good thing he's got an appropriate level of emotional investment here.

Night falls, and Chris and Desiree have managed not to bore each other to death somehow, and they're going for dinner in a palace, so good news: That lets Desiree burble about feeling like a princess, and Chris like an idiot brings up Bryden again, but it's just to tell her she handled it well, and I bet she appreciates his approval.

The usual boring chit-chat ensues, with Chris saying he'd rather be in a relationship, and Desiree says, "Are you 'the relationship guy'?" like YOU ARE EXPLICITLY LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN and now she is complaining about some ex-boyfriend of hers who sounds like an emotional midget.

And oh lord, Chris has written another poem. This one is called "Thoughts So True," and it is horrifying. Sometimes it rhymes, and other times it rhymes "take" with "made" and I know there's such a thing as near-rhymes but that would give Chris way too much credit. In Chris's favor: when he tells us that Desiree is everything he wants in a woman, the first thing he notes is her intelligence. That could honestly be a first on this show.

Anyway, she gives him the rose, and they start kissing, and Chris starts talking about how much you can tell about a person by the way they kiss, and then yet again we have to endure the couple "enjoying" a private concert by an eminently forgettable singer/band. In this case, someone named Matt White, whoever that is, and they slow dance while he plinks away a bland song about how it's just "you and I against the world."

And now it's on to the group date, at the base of the snow-covered Zugspitze, Germany's highest peak. James feels like he's been demoted, going from a one-on-one date to a group date, but is deluded himself into thinking that what he and Desiree have is "so unique and special" that no one else can touch it.

Then they take the gondola up the mountain, and we get aerial shots that are in no way coming from the perspective of the gondola but which are nevertheless breathtaking. And now we hear someone yodeling, and the pinhead bachelors react with their expected condescension and sarcasm. Or, as Desiree puts it, "It's so much fun watching the guys embrace the culture that they're in and really give it a try."

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